The happy boy...

The happy boy with his Godzila.....! it was good they had this at toysorus....after months of searching ....finally the boy got what he wanted....!!

The Darling Boy is 8

Our Darling boy is 8 today....( he'll get mad at me because he says that only his gramma can call him that...)

8 years ago when he decided to arrive about a few weeks earlier....cause everyone to panic....I remember hearing the Grand uncle even went to knock on shop door to ask them to open so they could by a tin of milk because the tiny little baby wouldn't suck BM...

Our lives turn over since he came....!! Priorities change!!...I remember I even went back to see him once a month...(where by before that I only came home once a year....)

Now he is 8....and he whines so much that at times I can't stand it...he complains like a old man....he doesn't eat durian...he doesn't eat anything unless it's deep fried....but I love him so much that if he is not home I miss him ....!!

he teaches me some lessons some times... about life...this little boy can change my perception of life ...
I know it'll be hard to survive this world growing up in a country that says they are not racist but have to admit they are....being a "rojak boy" with a little of everything in his blood...and have a mother tongue different from others....but I pray that he'll grow up to be a man..a wise one...!! and enjoy life as it comes....!

Happy Birthda Darling boy!!!

p/s.. he whispered to me last nite...requesting a birthday surprise...asking me to buy a cake and do the decoration and surprise him....!!! and I ask him what he wanted for his birthday present... a. Money b. Book c A toy...

he wanted a toy!!

and he wanted this!!!

a GODZILLA...

I can't seem to find this...but I will take him to toysurus to pick up a toy....!!

a simple life that impacted big...

this man i knew from when i was little....he was a man of little words...he was a man of little action...but i don't know why or what but he made a big impact in my life...he was my sunday school van driver from church...every sunday morning he ...never fail...rain or shine will turn up at our gate to pick us up...as our house was one of the farthest i was the first to be picked up and i had always had the privilage to sit in front...as i was always amaze of how driving was...or rather how someone could drive a car when i was little...as i watch him change gear..and if some of you from that generation ..you will know long time ago van had gear on the side of the steering wheel...and i was amaze on how he could change gear without looking at it..but sometime a few jerk here and then could be felt...this uncle didn't say much..he just drives...even with a full load of "monkeys" he was relax and drives without fail...as i out grew sunday school and joined youth fellowship...i kinda missed being chauffeured by the uncle...but one thing i remember...i always wanted to be a driver just like him...after 30 years...i am thankfull that he was apart of my growing years...i learned to drive when i was 18 and i passed my driving license in one shot...i came to kajang and join church and there i ended up becoming one of the first few drivers...chauffeuring people here and there....often i was reminded of this uncle ...of how he had so much patience in him...but i live to my dream of becoming a driver...and i drove for a few years...and even occasionally driving people around now....

And Today i bid farewell to a simple and ordinary man...that made a great impact in my life......

the weather as if setting the mood of sombre...it had been drizzling from morning none stop....

came back from work this evening ...and my dad told me someone i have known from small just passed away this morning..

Uncle Larry..May you rest in peace...

you really was a big impact on my life even as today...thank you for being the uncle driving the van to sunday school...thank you for being a servant of God...and i know you are in the best of hand....being a person of few words...i really thank you...!!

When life passes by....

As life passes by day by day....sometimes when we look at peoples achievements, got to admit we can't help it but to feel a tad of enviness in our heart....

but without realising what we have achieve by ourselves may be more then what some people have....recently in church i was reminded my the story of the 10 that was healed and 1 that came back and the 9 that was gone....all 10 were healed....but only one came back to thank Jesus....but the 9 were still healed...!! eventhough they didn't come back they were still healed....but the one that came back had fellowship with Him ....that was what the 9 missed.....

as life passes by...no matter how far we run...we will be blessed..no matter how far we are drifted away...God still loves us...and He GREATNESS wouldn't be less...but we are the one who missed out on the fellowship!!

i was hit on the head by the message that caught me unprepared....nothing i could do to cause God to love me more...cause He loves me more then ever, then what i can imagine....!

Recently after a long long time that i realize that how wonderful a sunset .... after a long long time i realise that it had been too long since i was with friends that made me not know how to joke...seems that i have forgotten how to have little petty conversation...made me forget how to enjoy life and be jolly...made me forget how to smile and brush things off...made me forget how to be thank full.....made me forget how to just let life be as it is....made me forget how to have fun....!! how to enjoy the fellowship with HIM ....

Lord...how great YOU are ...that You are the cup that never run dry....and i missed the time that i can say I am having the best time of my life!!!!

Feeling Outdated when Updated...

Last night after a long long time, I finally had time to spare for dinner with some friends...it has been a while...

the day started great...was a stress free one because the bosses are all away....and the students are on holiday...

but it was tarnished because of one wrong decision...(that's what I think...) but unfortunately because I had to follow the books...a phD student failed .... now I know who it feels when a patient dies in an OT....my fullest respect to surgeons out there...!! you guys have great hearts....!! when everyone said they wanted to postpone and I had to say just proceed...! and the student failed!!! haish.....!! it was like all the specialist were saying don't operate on the patient... and I had to be the one who say proceed and the patient dies....!!! aiyooo! ( hati tak sedap la!)

but oh well just went with the flow and had dinner with the friends...! after chit chatting I realize I was so outdated on various news...that when I asked myself where have I been??? I asked myself too...was this envyness in me?? but I wasn't feeling bitter or any sort...I was just surprise... oh well the earth will still circle the sun everyday...but I was just happy some friends are doing what they want to do and love to do...I wish I could do that too... but oh well there just ups and downs in life that everyone has to face...after discussing stuffs.. I came to find out that the definition of going on a holiday to me has change...I really want a nice and quite vacation....just wanna sleep in and enjoy my free time...I could see that eyes where staring at me when I said that...guess I am just tired of the life I am living right now...the journey is just too tiring to catch up and I am dying for a slow and just enjoying holiday....

I was being ask of what I want for my birthday this year...I just want  a quite and restful day...as I was driving home alone last night...I suddenly enjoyed the alone time driving round the city....I was alive again I thought to myself...! I don't know why but I would think just spending my time  sitting somewhere and staring at the sea or staring at the stars would be the best thing that I can think off right now....I must be getting old....

this morning as I was sending my nephew to school ...I love the little conversation we have on the way to school....can't deny this little boy thought me a lot about life.....

.I was asking him what he does with his pocket money...he said he bought RM1 keropok lekor...he is given RM2 a day for school...then I ask him how about the other RM1 he said his bff... was thirsty and he bought him a drink....! I ask did he shared it with you ...he replied: It's cheap only RM1 and I have my ribena anyways....tskk tskk tskk...I told him once in a while ok but not everyday you can spend your BFF...he asked me why??I said everyday RM 1, a month would be almost RM30...that's too much...he just sigh and we were silent the whole way...

but as I finish saying that....what is RM1 ...if it makes your BFF happy....I hope this young boy will grow up well ...and be strong as he live his life ...as he walk his path on the journey of life...life would be kind to him ...and at a young age he learn about giving...


heartnote: Just tired of life in a fast track....I just need some slowing down to do.....

What do you want ?

as I was sending my nephew to school this morning..we were having  a conversation and he was saying December is the best month of the whole year  because it was his Birthday month....! I ask him what he wanted for his birthday...i said A. Clothes B. Toys  C. Books D. Money   He look at me and said New CLOTHES!!!!... I ask him back are you sure...then he paused...and said...ok TOYS.. GODZILLA....and etc etc....he wanted toys....SIMPLE...!!

As I ask myself what I really want for MY Birthday...

I remembered what I wanted for life...

when I was young I wanted stuffs ...basic stuffs...a stamp album....a pencil box... board games...but when I grew older I started to think about life...what I wanted to do when I grew up....the one I most remembered was...I wanted to learn to drive...!! I wanted to go to KL to study...!!

for the number one..i wanted so much to learn to drive  because I adored my sunday school driver...and thought that the uncles driving us to church was great!!!..and at the same time my dad was sick and he couldn't change gears in our car...and I wanted to know how to drive so I could drive him...

the second one...I always wanted to study away from home....guess I did that...and nothing much...

So, now...What do I want in life...?

in a flash... MONEY...!! A PROMOTION!! MORE ASSETS !! all the worldly things...!!

but I think now if you ask me what I want in life...

I would answer you a Healthy Life...!! and especially this year...I want to do some community work...I want to do some volunteer work...I want to do something in life that is worth while....

Where is the Life....

I am stuck in a stupid meeting again where blaming the scape goat is the main agenda...!! and Guess you is the lucky scape goat..???

 

 I am really missing the life...!!

Life that is full of fantasies..!!

what's Life?

what's life?...

this morning I woke up thinking about circumstances....wrong moves... if I had done this and that?? if I didn't???

there are certain things that I wish I didn't do or I wish I completed....

I met a friend who was in my masters' class about 10 years ago....he almost completed his phd and we were talking about some friends who ended up lecturers with Phds... oh well look at me..!
that's the certain thing if it was different how would it have been?

imagining the song If God was one of us... there are many things that I really would like to ask God if I had a chance...I was thinking of a certain question ...what if you were praying for something to happen and another person is in the opposite of the same situation you're facing and praying hard too for that something to happen.., what would the answer be...? or who's side would God be..?i know it's something dumb to ask but really sometimes when you're in a situation you'll ask the same...oh well God never promise that this life would be fair to everybody...

my nephew was talking about Oscar's Oasis...we watch this everymorning before he goes to school....

this was from a 7 years old perspective...he told me...life is hard for Oscar....life is cruel towards Oscar...life is treating Oscar badly....I just wanted to weep...how can a little boy watching this cartoon can say that?... I asked him why was he saying that...? he said everybody is being cruel to him...and he never gets what he wants...tsk tsk tsk.....

I told him. that's life...that's what life is all about.....not everything goes well...

I pray that he would understand the journey of life and life would be kind to him.....

since the last post life has not been an easy journey...feeling that I was walking or even running a lonely journey...( maybe it's just my fault I chose to lay low..and be quite..)

It's November already...!

for the past September and October life was on a fast pace...and sometimes breathing seem to be hard....have been juggling busy work life with family life...been flying back and forth too...physically tired too...I can see my hair growing white...

I was having one of the worst day in my life and this had to happen

now I know what it means when people say they heart drop....
my heart fell....and it actually broke... but oh well...things happen...when this happen to me my mind went crazy but I thought to myself..oh well this thing can be repaired... what if something happen beyond repair...like...what if someone dear to me died??? how would I repair it...??how would I react?
Sigh..LIFE...

speechless...


before I realize it it's already NOVEMBER...!! and I am still praying for life to be kind to me....and you know what...I am officially a land lady this month....yeah I rented the apartment out...not an easy thing to do...it broke my heart too...but well...there are things that we need to decide even if it's a hard decision.....so God help me!!!

still wishing to find time to travel...to forget about work ( which is killing me slowly)  the bestie is somewhere in Beijing having fun and going to the Philippines again next month ..but I am glad she's having fun....one of these days I am gonna find time to travel too....wait till I can breath financially and physically.....

Well everyone...have a great time of your lives...! even if the journey is a hard one....just carry on with faith and with strength....Live on...!!

Crazy life...Crazy Crave!!

I am up in the wee hours doing work...where is the life in all of this??? but oh well I need money to eat.... the craziest thingy is I AM CRAVING FOR MAGGIE KARI...!!! dang....and I think I am hearing things too...I am hearing the pots cling cling cling calling me to cook!!!!! ILLUSIONS!!

I got up at 3 this morning to do some work and now I am stuck without ideas to carry on...before I go  back to sleep again..just a random post about the craving!!!....talk about craving....Do you call it a crave when you are longing to have a holiday....!?? I can't wait for a holiday away from everything...seems that I have lost touch with the travelling buddies...everybody seems to have they own plan right now...and gotta admit I am full of envyness hearing trips ...but oh well what can I do... I am a slave at work...!! and I really can't afford things right now...maybe soon ..everything will get better...I might want to travel somewhere soon...very soon...!! hahaha in my dreams...!
 I am always planning a trip when I have free time in between work....

places I would love to run away to :
1. New Zealand...I wanna go drive round the country!!
2. Revisit Korea...just because!
3. Jakarta - the apartment and the mall next to it...! (cos this seems realistic enough
4. HCMC....just love it there...

maybe one of these days I will just have to just leave and just fly away ...I don't think any of the travel friends would like the idea of revisiting ....

oh ya talking about travelling made me remember about my camera...and that reminds me about this...

we finally had time to take a family portrait....and finally had a reason to do one ...it was mei mei's bday...and she being mei mei looking at family portrait and asking Where Mei Mei??? so we finally did it...not perfect but oh well.... with 3 kids...how can you get a perfect shot...!! but I love the shot above...candid but it was great...this was before the girls started crying because ruran pulled mei mei's hair...!!

ok lah have to get back to work....!!

When will the light at the end of the tunnel be clear....

was browsing through my pics collections and found this...which really defines the feeling that I am feeling right now...I am feeling a bit dizzy in the head...seems like everyone wants a bit and a piece of me....and I can't seem to cope....can't seem to run either...just trying to survive...trying to breath...and I come to the point where I am asking myself what is this all about..??!!...what is surviving all about...!!???

the song in the END...from linkin park seems so surreal...!!

as I look around me...the meaning of life is so blurrish...

as I search around ...people close to me seems like strangers...

there's something missing in life....

 

LIFE....

 

as every second turn to minutes..and minutes turn to hours...and hours turn to days...days to weeks....etc....

 

the next thing you know it's SEPTEMBER....!!! then when you realize it...you ask yourself a cliché question: what have you accomplish for the year???....why don't we think as "human being" and ask ourselves....how MANY Liters of BEER or Alcohols that you consume this year???? (LOL) or HOW MANY friends you took out to piggout this year???HOW many KGs you piled up this year????

 

 

call me crazy but I just want to be upnormal...UP normal...the up of the normal...!! I just can't wait for the year to end as it is means the one long year of my sabbatical of travelling... ( now where did I put my passport again?)....last year today...i was in seoul.. and it was a trip for the soul that I learned a lot...after that trip i decided to take a furlough from trips....reasons where because of financial constrained and "stuffs"...and I am glad I did it...some people may not understand why... but the whole year not travelling and not being with friends...taught me lots too...and I tell you...there's a part of me missing !! the more I with held myself...made me want to travel the world...!! I should do the travel the world in 80 days thingy....

 

so it's almost a year not travelling... these are randomness things that I thought of:

 

1. Life....there is more to life (cliché)
2. Work... how much I hate it...but it is better than (maybe) 50% of the population of the world...!!hence work is good for now....
3. Financially... with lots of mouth to feed...and I am contemplating of early retirement at 40...not long to wait...
4. A holiday....I am planning something but I just don't know what yet hahahaha...but most of all I wanna travel... travel round the world and meet more people....!!
5. Life...yes again....am thinking what is it that I want to do with my life.....

 

 

so that's it folks....the something missing in life... so far might be...:

 

 

friends...

 

a break....

 

and a nice work out.....

 

 

(oh and I miss my Chiro too.....cash is running low so I am skipping meeting her for 2 months hehehe)

 

Can't Breath!!

Been caught in work and tonneeessss of work....this past week....was struggling to do some report the whole night while having to suffer diarrhea and vomiting at the same time....and had to drag myself to work today....but anyway...Still thanking the good Lord for today...at the point of giving up on this stupid job...suddenly I found strength to carry on..!that's the funny thingy about HIM....when we let go of things....He let us cling on Him....!!

yesterday I was angry the whole morning...and can even hear myself screaming at my staffs like never before....and as I pause..i could feel my heart bleed...!! then I told myself this will be over soon...!! then today was the hardest day to come to work ..with all obstacles I manage to come in to work and sat in 2 meetings...and now I feel that I want to faint!!..but it's 4.50pm..and only 10 minutes to go to the weekend....!!

deaf,Blind and dumb.....

\
I hear nothing, I see nothing and I say nothing...

This is one of the days that I really feel like just quitting my job.(which isn't an option in life)...as I drove to work this morning I was like telling God...I am sick and tired of being a scape goat...!! being that person who people can blame...yesterday was a tough day...that I realize that what ever I say..or how true I am...I am still wrong when they say I am wrong...and if they want to put a blame of someone they will even if on papers is stated....oh man...you just can't win with these people....!! as I sat there fuming up...I was like telling myself how long...how long can I stand this...!! but one thing I told myself was to never shade tears in front of worthless people...!! ( I really wanted to cry!!!!)

as there is always hope.strength and love...I will always always have to learn the purpose of why am I even here....!!


and again I as thee o Lord... how long....

Be a giver and not only a receiver....

it really struck deeply in my heart...about the whole giving and receive thingy....I have been struggling with this the past few months...and was really arguing with myself in my mind about giving....

Christopher Chapman’s 1680 grave in Westminster Abbey reads “What I gave, I have. What I spent, I had. What I left, I lost by not giving it.”

I realize that the moment you start to "berkira" of what you gave that's the moment that everything would go wrong...because you gave out of the wrong reasons...I "use" to have this naïve thingy that would give and give and do and do...but as time goes by I started to "berkira" started to ask why am I doing this doing that...? and why should I? then finally I started to give less....and that was when (now I realize) life was unhappy...life started to be miserable...  

I stumble upon an article that was shared on FB today...

http://mystarjob.com/articles/story.aspx?file=%2F2013%2F8%2F10%2Fmystarjob_careerguide%2F13433456&sec=mystarjob_careerguide

I am still struggling but hoping everything would be better in time to come....

when I read dy's post there was a sentence ...warmth, generosity, hospitality beyond compare.

these four things struck me...it's really simple....but hard to practice....how can we do that?...some people give the little that they have...and it sometimes meant the whole world to the other....

I will try to find my way back to the route which was suppose to be...my mom always said when you're giving you should not complain cos...that's when you let God bless you...! I have yet to master that kind of giving in my life...a long the journey of life...I have met strangers who just gave me so much that I was dumbstruck ...beyond comparison ... would I be able to do that?...will I try to do that??

what's left of the year...!and I will try to give the best that I can...!! be the giver...and not only the receiver...!

p/s....had a weird dream last nite...was awaken by it...I dreamt I was pronounce dead!!!..

note for the heart : Be thankful for what you have because what you have might be gold to others...!!

Breaking up....

*hangat kan the title...

I am kinda disappointed and rather upset with some "good friends" of mine... I think it's time to grow up and break up...you can call it immaturity but I shall call it major league disappointment and with a dash of disgusted that we even know each other...

or maybe I am just gonna sleep on this friendship and see how things goes....

fudnote: there are times that you yourself will disappoint people without even realizing....so God help us..!


* please forgive me maybe it's just pms....but somehow this has been bothering me the whole month....I hope one day I will be able to tell a friend off instead of keeping quite and be nice...! everybody has a limit...when the line is cross..anybody would blow up...let be think back of more positive things to neutralize the condition (so far I can't think of one)

three days....

For the last 3 days I have been complaining about how I spend my 3 days of break...as I was browsing the internet I stumble upon this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBFV6o2h1Us ... I've seen both this couple in church...and heard them share the word a few times...

as I watch this...couldn't help it but to cry and cry... until my eyes were swollen...!! It somehow move my heart...

how someone so small in a short time touch peoples lives...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiFcbK4Pt_U

 
Life is valuable ....life is short...how can I compare my thousands of days alive with this baby's 3 days ....will try to spend the best of time while I still have time...!! as we always take for granted we still have lots of time together in this world...but we will never know when the time comes to leave..!!

I pray that if one day we will face things that will break us....make our heart broken in many pieces....we will be sane and walk each other through times like these....!

Selamat hari raya....

oh my...the hari raya break really ruin my whole one month long of diet....!!!it was hard dieting for one month...and ruin it in 3 days..........dang!!!...

the pic above is nasi impit & lemang mix with rendang and kuah satay...!! it's like a sleeping pill...after I ate this went to sleep and couldn't wake up!!!!...

diet crashing!!!

Today is Raya....

ate too much today....until I can't stand up!!... had a full day with the cuzzies and family....!

p/s my watch died on me today....

fud for the heart: I hear my own heart beating today.....

limit is limitless...

I know I have been asking and asking this question over and over again...what is you limit??

how far can one go...? how far can one push his or herself....

 

i am just hoping to see that oasis in the desert.....that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow....!! but looks like it's all fairytale...!! if i ever have kids...i would not teach them any nursery rhymes or tales....it's just putting false hope in their heart and will do much damage when they grow up....!!! 

 

 

 

my wallet is a little dry this month....and i calculated just enough for the whole month...but...just now after going out for dinner with some old friends...i came back to realize that my car front tyre had a tear and was losing air....what a great timing!! but i shrug my shoulder and decided to deal with it tomorrow ...i don't know how i can afford a new tyre but let tomorrow be tomorrow....

there's a favorite song that eva always sings...row row row your boat, gently down the stream...merrily merrily life is like a DREAM.....really...life is really like a Dream that you like it to be!!but when you wake up it is not!!!!!

fud for the heart: It's ok to dream..but when we wake up from it..it's either a bad dream or a good dream...it's just a dream!

Oh My GOATIE!!..(Diet mode)

 I was at my doctor's appointment last week...and she said the only thing progressing is my weight...!!
and she said.." I am telling you in the nicest way...please lost some weight..and she smiled...!! sooo...ok I am starting diet mode immediately... I have one month before I see her again...
so I decided to start on Friday.....I went shopping for stuffs....oh I tell you shopping on a hungry stomach is really a bad idea...
Meal day 1

 an apple...and orange juice...!!
but I fail...!! was so so hungry that in the middle of the night I had a cookie...!! (all the way from laos this cookie) it really really taste like the kjeldsens's..butter cookies you buy in the round tin...!!live saver this cookie...!

Day 2-
woke up so so so hungry....search in the fridge...luckily had this...!! so I made pasta with some mince meat which was the left over of tacos filling we had in june...I bet because of the well marinate herbs and seasoning the taste is not bad....

 and yes...I counted how many pasta that I wanted to eat hehehee....pathetic....!!

Dinner was...

 Day 3
Brunch was tuna sandwich...!

 Lunch was salad...with fried chicken!!! (hahaha...I know I know but..i need to stay alive too you know )

 

 

 

I am wondering what to have for dinner today....!! one thing good about going to work is that I won't be tempted to look for something to eat...I had my Green organic drink  this morning and surprisingly I am ok and it's almost 5...!!but I tell you the craving of nasi bryani for dinner is like calling my name!!! hahahaa.....!!


p/s don't be fool by the 1st picture...!! that is a weighting machine that makes people think they are slim...!! am actually not thattttttttt light... (but I wish)



Giving back what we have received...

sometimes it's just sad when we forget to give back what we have received...don't get me wrong... it's not the demanding to be paid back....it's just that I don't get it when people have done so so much for you when you were in need and now it's just a little thing that that someone is asking for just a little time...and yet we make a big fuss....

sad but true...but being a mature person that I am trying to be....you can't force people to realize things too....and most people don't get it...well the next time when someone help or accommodate you...please don't say when it's my turn i'll repay you.. (this is the part I hate most... janji kosong yang tidak ditepati)....

fud for the mind: Never say what you don't intend to do...that's really sick..!!

August....

it's august...4 months to end the year....

boy..how time really flies.....it's already the 8 month of the year.....!! as I read all my post...boy did I have a rollercoaster  year this year....from doing a marathon..to being stuck with a back problem....and the family had an up and down year too...

but I was glad that I learn lots...and at times was lost but found the way back...this few days having a time with a friend from korea..really reminded me what I really wanted to do this year...and as I wrote during the post of our trip to korea that really was a mind changing...as I was to lost touch of that memory..these few days I was reminded once more...of how life is suppose to be (even if I still am searching whats that?)....

many people asked me why my life is uneventful as I didn't get to travel this year...as I ask myself too that same thing..but with the condition of the back that limit me from traveling...and most of it due to the heavy medical bills that I have to foot out monthly...I am still being blessed that my trip to the chiro is always a fun one and an adventure...as I learn more about my own body...and as I learn to worry about my own healthy and learn to love it more...as never did I all this while...by the way I love/ like the feeling that people offer to pick up heavy stuffs for me now...it's like being pampered....and having people drive me too is a great thing....

so I will say so far this year is a sabbatical year for me to really understand and know my limit....I use to think that pushing myself to the limit is normal...now I know it's not...

I would still love to see places and learn more about the culture...maybe I will start going round again when I pick up the financial mode....:P...it's my dream to bring my parents for a long holiday... I have to do is soon...as time is ticking....

so ...for rest of another 4 months of the year...I hope to..:

1. Be healthier... (I should change my diet...hopefully my back get better...)
2. Be happier... ( should learn to laugh at everything that comes in myway...
3. Be richer... ( save more money)
4. Be ready...(ready for everything that will happen....I realize that my heart is weak....and I seem to handle lost...can seem to understand things....)


P/s : we just lost a grand aunt this morning....and I am trying to just let this passed and don't think about it...

Fudnote: I just wanna live my life as it is the last....

those little things....

it's amazing that little things can really touch ones heart...and sometime without people even realize it....little-2 things that can make the heart soft or even breaks the heart too....

I have been feeling like crap for the past few weeks...and is trying not to be too sensitive about things.. am learning to ignore stuffs...and just pick up some that I feel is worth thinking about...I think it's the stress at work that's eating me up....don't get me wrong I am actually starting to enjoy work but the environment is the one that makes my heart grow sour everyday...(it's hard being a scapegoat and being treated like a blacksheep because of your faith....and it often make me feel like crap)...\

Those little2 things that can break or make one heart strong...

1. Cutie pie....this little creature that God created....

Never fails to greet me at the door cheerfully when I come back from a hards day of work.....this sure melts my heart......

2. Workload....

 sometimes it makes you really just wanna run and jump off a tall building.....tonnes of paperwork really makes the heart hardened......and when you spend the whole day doing the best you can do...only to be thrown back at you saying what you did was rubbish and at times ideas and paperwork that you did but others get credited for it...yes...work life sucks.....

3. Working with insensitive people of a different faith....

 I recently said OMG...and someone said back to me...it's your god....My God is different God....WTH!!!! (I don't know why but that simple word broke my heart that day...)

4. Colourful band

 A friend from korea gave me this simple band that she made... she didn't know how to explain in English but she said it symbolize wishing you long life....I don't know why this little simple band touch my heart that day....when you feel like giving up on life...there is still people wishing you to have long life...!!

5. Cookies with love...

received these cookies all the way from LAOS... was sure that these were made full of love....it touched my heart because for someone who is struggling to survive there and was so sweet of her to make cookies for us....

 



 6. Dumb dumbness....

yesterday I had a very very important meeting....and I was waiting for a document to be brought... and i was really late....and just a few minutes before the meeting i was give this doc...i don't know how to react....to cry...? to laugh??? but it surely made my heart sore and crack up for a minute...

 

 

7. Being Missed...

 

Knowing that you are in people thoughts sometime really makes the heart melt too....

 

 

there are more but I just can't write all of them....those little-little things that people do for you ...life giving up ones bed for a stranger...that is a GREAT thing to do...it's funny that little2 things like that can create a full blast impact on ones life and heart.....I had an opportunity to entertain a friend who came from korea a few days ago... and all I could think about was it was not enough to repay what they had prepared for us.... maybe it was simple...but I was how they made us feel...

as I think of it...it really impacted life ...how I should be more accommodative ...but well the heart means well but time is limited...

 

How much I wish life would be different... but some how I will have to learn that I am bless....everyday in my life reminding  myself life is as it is....so those little things that at times makes me wanna give up but no doubt there are little things that give me strength too.....so just feel bless...



Time of our life....

As we live our life..there are bound to be times when we our feeling will be stuck in the moment that we are facing...it's been a week and everybody is still having this feeling of disbelief of what has happen....and as a family we really pray for the girls and especially uncle who couldn't accept what has happen...even as I go by the days...I myself when I think of her just can't believe what has happened what more to say them...

but today finally we received a message from them saying after a long week last nite was the first time they could sleep and was at peace....

last night I heard my parents talking to each other asking how long have they been married to each other...as I listen to my parents having the conversation I quietly dried off tears from my eyes...how much that we want to ignore conversations like these...we will one day face them...as I wonder about how much time we have left and what is the next step for life...I really hope that I will be able to leave everything....101% of the future to God..and try not to doubt in whatever He does.....

but can't help to have the feeling of wariness in the heart...time ...time is what we can't control ...time is what we will never get back...

somehow everything is a blessing of disguise... this few days I got to talk to my parents about things that we consider a taboo... I spoke to my parents about wanting to donate all the organs or even body when I die...mom didn't like the idea of that...she said it is so so sad and sick..i was telling her about it would help maybe 100 of people...or at least 10 people will benefit it...and the second was to find a new job...as I told them I was not happy in what I am doing right now...but is still praying about it....

note to self...! I want to do things that I really want to do before I finished off this life...!! 

Saying our goodbyes.....

As we live our life...there are bound to have goodbyes....

Today we said our goodbyes to our beloved and awesome aunty.....even though we are separated by distance with the help of gadgets we stayed together in one of the hardest time of our life...even though we are not with each other physically but our hearts were with each other and we cried together....today was a beautiful day that we celebrated the life of our dearest....

I thank the Lord that we cross each others path..and is part of each others life...the family would not be the same without you....and I pray you rest in peace....

p/s the family decided to were a pinch of colour for the funeral...and I am wearing my red marry jane too today to work....

My Heart is sadden

oh how heavy this heart is....

 

 

I know I should just carry on with life...but some how it's just sad... this feeling of heaviness...and thoughts of what if this what if that....and can't help but be helpless... have been on a 3 days break from work...and it's a good time to be with the family...the big aunty came last Monday...and I somehow realize how we as individual cope with the lost....and as we are far we are shaken...and can't help but to think about the family in Oz...we are a bit shaken because aunty was the first to go for this generation...and you can't help it but to think about it....and as her passing was so sudden ...it still seems like a dream...and I still hope that I will see her one day....I just hate the feeling of being so far and helpless....but in a way...the cuzzies have been in touch throughout this time of mourning...and I realize that we have all grown up and it is the time where we all have to protect, comfort and look after the older generation....as we discuss of things what we should do...how we should tell the older ones...I realize that we are no longer small children and some of my baby cuzzies have also grown up...the parents and aunts and uncles seems to be mum about what happened...all seems to ignore the subject...and when we do talk about it streams of tears just flow...and we sit in silence everyone wiping our tears secretly...I was chatting with one of my cousin and as we both talk and decide about things both of us just cried and cried....as we face this moment I really realize how important being with the family is...how we need to support each other...and gotta admit that there are moments that I feel stress out and just really want to run away and just ignore things....

but I know that aunty Karen was a legacy of the family...many look up to her as a cheerful lady even if she was sick and suffered she still smiled...she still can joke...the last time I was in oz I visited her and was told she was sick..but she stood up and said goodbye to me at the hall way...and then I was already wiping my tears secretly...she was a lovely lady...and I will remember her as she always tell everybody when I was a baby I always cried when I saw her...now as I hear her name I cry silently...Tomorrow is her funeral...and I really wish I was there...but all I can do is just to pray so that the family be strong and for the rest of their life they will be strong as they carry on with their life...it will be hard on uncle as she has always been his companion Soul mate....pillar of strength source of comfort...!! because she was a great lady....

 







Angry...

There are certain occasion that would make me angry with God....and today is certainly one of the day...

just came back from the a planned beach outing....we even checked the weather forcast.. it said to be a fine weather...sunny....!! we prayed for the journey and weather....and we finally arrived at the beach....and guess what it rained the heaviest rain ever seen....!! and my nephew was furious and he was angry at us...he said : you said when we prayed together that God will grant us a good weather so that we can play at the beach...!! AND why it RAINED!!!  i told him you just pray that the rain will stop and it rained because God wanted to cool down the weather....!! deep in my heart i really prayed...God please let the rain stop for this little boy....please Lord...please... How are we suppose to teach him to trust in You???..as the day got darker....and the rain did stop ....for a little while enough for the little boy to have a dip in the sea...we started a fire to bbq....and sure enough it rained...i prayed and prayed that the weather would be better and it didn't...the rain got heavier and the tide came closer....and wash off the fire...but we were just in time to cook a few things...ok never mine...like my last post we decided to make lemonade out of lemonade...we had our dinner... and off we were going home...

unpacked and making the children sleep....and i got a call from my aunty in spore...and it was a missed call only one ring...normally having a call from a family member so late at nite doesn't really sound good....i said to myself..oh crap...what again now...but then i said ok who ever it is must be old..and time is up...so i called back...and all she said was ..:i don't have the details... i am fine but aunty Karen is gone...!! My heart stop....!!i was like WHATTTTTTTTTTT.....i knw she had been sick for years...but we recently got news that she was getting better ...and we as a family always prayed for her...and my dad for certain once told me when they were in australia...he was certain after they prayed for her...she would be heal...! and now to hear about this...i didnt know what to do...i got my cousins number and all i could think was to sms....sorry to hear about mom...please take care of dad...!!!

oh crap...I am so so mad...!! i just got an email that she and my uncle had a great day today...they went to the market together this morning....and all of the sudden tonite as she was sleeping she cough up blood and was rush in the hospital and was pronounce dead....!!! WTHHHHHHHHHH.... GOD...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......and you couldn't have chose the correct day to do this...as faith had been shaken today...


but i realise that i have no one then to TRUST AND HOPE in HIM...because i may not no any other....and till the day i know all the reasons i will still try to put my utmost trust....

I seek the answers to the questions i might not even know myself....what do you say to someone who you know won't be ok in this kind of circumtances... She was the pillar to my uncle...She was the one who made him sane....She was the one who keep him strong...She was his everything...and now she is gone...

faith note: death is one thing that you can't make a mistake...once it happens there's no way of reviving it....

Wish to Chillax...

Sometimes I wish that I could just stop doing everything I am doing right now to just chill and relax....or just find a corner and just sit there to ponder....ever feel that urge to just sit out...time out??? but in real life it's not that easy...
I was on emergency leave yesterday...had a bad flu and head was spinning...back was hurting as well...so I decided to stay home...I was surprise with myself that it was a hard decision to do....!!! (I must be goin crazy)I took me hours to think whether I should stay home or just push myself to the limit and just go to work.....!! but then I realize I have to learn to love my body too...!I can go on pushing myself to the limit..even it was beyond my limit already...as I check my leave statement...this year seem to be my first time seldom take leave...I use to take long leave every 6 months and every month i'll take some days off... I will  try to find time to do that again in this last quarter of the year....must find time and the money to travel again...and get my back fix as soon as possible...( the reason of the set back of costly treatments that burn holes in my pocket...! and i just found out i can't claim)

oh well life is not as bad as it seems...i am still enjoying the family life...and it feels really good doing things for the family..this weekend families are flying over....and it feels great being able to be surrounded with family...cousins...aunties..uncles...i am taking 3 days off to be with them...so can't wait...!! and tomorrow taking the family to a beach picnic with Abi and the family....so it sure will be tones of fun...as we had a great time last weekend picnicking....! can't wait...

life note: Just live the life as it comes...loving the lemonade!!

Staying Focus...

 

Like a child focusing on something and absorbing what they see or hear...and stay focus....

staying focus on something that gives you hope....gives you relieve, give you strength....I was having a hard time focusing on life....was more to just survive the game....was almost disoriented by how life is going .. how being drifted by the waves of things around me....that gives an almost drowning feeling...maybe it's just the weak body... plus the tiredness of the brain ....which made me lost grip of what the purpose of life is...what the main focus is....not just to survive...but to live and be a witness...and to enjoy life as it comes....recently I was talking to someone that was diagnose with cancer...she just knew about it a few weeks ago...she just said " you know what... I am sick...!" then I said jokingly : What's up? flu? headache? backache?... she said .."No...it's cancer.... a moment of silent went by....I didn't know what to say...didn't know how to react....! but then she said I am ok..i am optimistic I will fight this....!! it shook me...and I was like...and all I had was a back pain and I am thinking that life has not been fair to me...

this few days I got my thinking nerve working...:P and I am thankful to have someone to turn to when things get haywire when things goes wrong...I still have someone to turn to...it might not be physical but it helps..

sometimes we may face times where we just wanna jump down the tallest building you can find....but life is not that easy to be able to end like that...but I learned that in whatever we do we put our trust in our Creator...what ever we face we have to grip on to the Savior's hand and really believe that He will provide...and sometimes His provision ways a really awesome...never thought before...this month I learn the hard way about that...never under estimate what God can do...when we think it's impossible He makes it happen....!


Food for thoughts : Believing, Knowing and Trusting is the keyword!!

Maturing as time goes by...

as I got ready for work this morning ...I got a glimpse of mum's small vege patch...the last time I look they were all dying and "malnutritious"...and I thought to myself...though luck..looks like it was not mean to be....but today I was surprise that the vegies were all grown up and ready to be harvest...

it struck to me...whenever there's a feeling of giving up when things are jut not going your way don't lose hope....and just press on...recently there are lots of issues in the office where work is just a truck load...and everyday is a tiring day....where sometimes I feel that I just need to run away somewhere....I might now understand why when you walk near big huge corporate buildings...there seems to be lots of people taking a smoke outside....sometimes you just need some time to breath...

I am stuck in the office with 2 less staffs ...one retired and one her husband just had an artery burst in the head...so I am right now juggling with everything...(enuff said about work)!!

but above all ...I am glad that I still have someone that I can lean on...and hold on too in times I feel that I am drowning....telling me that there is a Greater HOPE,FAITH and LOVE...as time goes by we mature in our thinking....in our faith...and I am not the girl that will go look for something else to drown my sorrows in anymore...we do what we must do...and just hope for the best...

Fudnote: I really need a time away from everything....!! A holiday perhaps

My Acky breaky back...

 as you may know that I am having problems with my back...I was  back in the health center on Thursday....as the back is improving...but sitting too long is still a pain in the ass...!! :P...my back and hips still hurts if I sit too long......I was back in the center for a regular checking whether the back is improved...the Dr did some adjustment here and there.....

rare time of camwhoring in the gown.....

 this is the bench...for almost more the a month I have  been laying on this....and I somehow think that I am addicted to this bench...it makes me hurt and good at the same time...the Dr crack my back in many spots....and use the activator on few spots.... I was fine after the treatment but was sore and being in pain for few days....but now it has improved.....but all is well....and I love going for treatment cos it's a day off for me.....

THank God for technology