My Heart is sadden

oh how heavy this heart is....

 

 

I know I should just carry on with life...but some how it's just sad... this feeling of heaviness...and thoughts of what if this what if that....and can't help but be helpless... have been on a 3 days break from work...and it's a good time to be with the family...the big aunty came last Monday...and I somehow realize how we as individual cope with the lost....and as we are far we are shaken...and can't help but to think about the family in Oz...we are a bit shaken because aunty was the first to go for this generation...and you can't help it but to think about it....and as her passing was so sudden ...it still seems like a dream...and I still hope that I will see her one day....I just hate the feeling of being so far and helpless....but in a way...the cuzzies have been in touch throughout this time of mourning...and I realize that we have all grown up and it is the time where we all have to protect, comfort and look after the older generation....as we discuss of things what we should do...how we should tell the older ones...I realize that we are no longer small children and some of my baby cuzzies have also grown up...the parents and aunts and uncles seems to be mum about what happened...all seems to ignore the subject...and when we do talk about it streams of tears just flow...and we sit in silence everyone wiping our tears secretly...I was chatting with one of my cousin and as we both talk and decide about things both of us just cried and cried....as we face this moment I really realize how important being with the family is...how we need to support each other...and gotta admit that there are moments that I feel stress out and just really want to run away and just ignore things....

but I know that aunty Karen was a legacy of the family...many look up to her as a cheerful lady even if she was sick and suffered she still smiled...she still can joke...the last time I was in oz I visited her and was told she was sick..but she stood up and said goodbye to me at the hall way...and then I was already wiping my tears secretly...she was a lovely lady...and I will remember her as she always tell everybody when I was a baby I always cried when I saw her...now as I hear her name I cry silently...Tomorrow is her funeral...and I really wish I was there...but all I can do is just to pray so that the family be strong and for the rest of their life they will be strong as they carry on with their life...it will be hard on uncle as she has always been his companion Soul mate....pillar of strength source of comfort...!! because she was a great lady....