Hidup ini perlu diteruskan

Jam: 4.00am
Tarikh: 3 Mei 2011
tempat:bilik tidur ku...

selepas bertungkus lumus membuat minit mesyuarat selama 1 jam....otak ku sudah "jammed"...ini bukan kerana rajin...ini kerana terpaksa...kalau ikut hati...bagus buang dalam tong sampah....

mula2 rasa best blog dalam BM tapi tiba2 rasa best pulak cakap BI...so switch lah ah...

I know this is last minute...i should have done it 3 days ago...i had 3 days off....saturday,sunday and monday...but i didn't do it...and know i am like burning emergency oil (instead of midnight)...gotta have this done by today....but i thank God i had 3 days of rest...of doing nothing at all...(some may say boring....but i say it is a rest) i really needed the rest before going off to "war" again today for another week....I hope this week treat me kind....! for i am at a brink of breaking into pieces already...(byk betul mo buat..tapi tangan ada dua saja dan otak ada satu saja...mana mungkin boleh fikir smua benda)...i gotta to complete everything before i get the official letter....so kawan2 sila bear with me ok...i just can't think of anything else other then work from now...!(tetiba jantung berdebar dengan sungguh kencang)

sometimes life is funny...when you always wish for something..then suddenly it is almost reality...you suddenly stop and start to think....is this really for real???is this a good move?the feelin of uncertainty suddenly overcomes...!!!how can i think of other things when i myself is uncertain what i may face....! (tetiba byk soalan yg org tanya2 ni membuat hati panas...!!!!)
i got a sms from my niece yesterday about a college offer...(college yg tidak pernah dengar nama nya)...and said she already got a ticket here tomorow...i almost collapse...apa ni...apasal buat keputusan macam ni...! (i know i know ini ada tidak releven....) but just want to connect with what i am facing this few days....macam mana boleh nasihat org lain bila sendiri pun goyah...!!! sendiri pun tidak dapat fikir untuk diri sendiri...???

Breath Jane...just breathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............tetiba anxiety attack!!!...

Tuhan Kau pencipta langit dan Bumi ini...! dan smua nya ada di Tangan Kau...tolonggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p/s after all this waking up stuff mo buat kerja...just to realise that agenda mesyuarat yg in the pic...is the wrong agenda that i brought home...!thank God i had some of the soft copy that i emailed to myself last friday...so boleh buat sikit2...darn you jane for this foolish mistake!!!!!!!!!

heartnote: I just need a little breather...cos every single feeling is just coming back to me after a week of numbness...a week of not feeling anything...a week of shutting down...this is reality..and reality that i can't cope...!

(ini adalah satu cerita dongeng....lepas smua ini i'll be find..and i'll promise i'll get back to doing what i do best ok..the planner...! can't wait to be my normal self...SUPERJANE...)

Can't pick myself up...

 Kinda feel life is a blur

where everything is just not clear...

it's funny as i read some of my Yahoo,FB and blog status for the past week...was picking up stuffs....slowly had a goal....had some hard task to do but was picking things up as i go...

but suddenly this few days everything just fell....

as i browse thru my collection of pics...i came upon this pic....(abaikan lah pelakon2 sampingan) when everything falls ruin like this...how is it possible for anyone to look for the pieces that fits...(ingat zigsaw puzzle kah????)....

i am in the midst of picking up work....

picking up stuffs,clearing up things...in the midst of doing that...i hear lot's of things said againts me....and everytime i think about it i always think what on earth am i doing this for...why should I...?

 the struggle to tamed poeple at work...for their own good (even if they don't realise it)

 to think that i really had the heart to give up my chances of getting APC to give to some other staff....(what stupidity you might think i have....but as i think that it's better giving to someone who thinks he or her deserved it...kadang2 ada fikir mo blajar utk ada muka tebal)

it's hard when everybody is againts everything...

and my struggle to keep my own life intact!!!

(byk benda yg tidak boleh settle)-

when i wish this year that i would to earn more money for my big family...i really wish i had it now.....

 at times i think that i really cannot go on...!

 but i know everything is well.........there are things that i myself cannot control....

i just hope....

despite the ruins and the blurness...i will soon see....

 See that everything is clear....! and everything is beautiful...

the journey must go on....

biarlah org maki..org ludah...org rejam pun....

this life must go on...

heartnote:it is You that make my life sane every second of my life....it is YOU...

this feelin will pass...

i know i said i was fine....

guess i just need a little time to heal...

i am stuck in this feelin...

p/s rasanya mungkin lebih sedih dari putus cinta....

Missing the ME in Me...

been having problems at work that it eating me slowly inside...

kinda drop my shield for a little while on friday...

was thinking whether i did wrong to judge hopeless people...and they deserved credit for being courages to show me i suck at being a leader..

a boss...

i smell the rebelling nerve in them on friday...the talk around that went straight to the heart...

i am still thinking of another game plan...and realise that being a leader is a lonely job...

i realise that i have to shield my heart no matter what...

and remind myself i need this job to pay everything i own and to have fun travelling...

must set the feeling..a little girl always ask me when i go visit...:" yoyo' ada mainan ini, kamu ada??"yoyo' ada buku ini, kamu ada?? yoyo' pandai buat donat kamu pandai??"

so i will get to work on monday bearing in my mind....Saya ada degree, kamu ada??? Saya ada bilik sendiri,kamu ada???saya bos kamu..kamu apa??? :P

(i know it's bad but i really think that i've been good for a long time and all has gone to vain)

this morning as i was cleaning the house...i realise that my plant..(the one i gave up hope on)...

when i bought it it was well..until slowly2 one by one the leave whitered....and i gave up on it..

but this morning i realise that there was a sign of LIFE....



I miss my Niko...

i miss being able to take pics that would make me myself cry

I miss being the person that won't be hurt by a simple word ...

i miss being the person that will do things just to make people feel good...

of all I MISS being ME

fudnote: i know that i will never know what YOU instore for me..and why i am walking alone in the desert...but i know YOU are GREAT!

p/s i just did the most stupidos thing...i browse my staffs FB rupanya aku di gelar kafir lagnat...hmmp..it's kinda sad..but God how angry i am with that statement...ajar lah aku mengampuni mereka sebab mereka tidak tau apa mereka buat...please give me strength everyday at work..!guide me..

Please tell me what to do?

i wish i was on the mountains now and looking at this...
i so want to cry right now...and i don't know what this feelin is...? maybe like what kukuanga said ...maybe we're just under a spell...damn this black magic..!!!mengacau jiwa dan hati...kejap hati berdebar2...sekejap hati rapuh...!!

SangPemimpi utk 2 hari seems to much for me....sekarang aku udah head over heels...and i know itu salah..!!

(gila sudah sampai download ebook...lepas ni pulak the next book....)
Heartsfelt: I am missing a part of my heart right now...

When the heart is not to follow...

the heart is tempting to fly away and have it's way.....

oh please....please be strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so hating UDARAASIA right now....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can i just fly away??Can i??

Futnote:bagi yang berada di bumi berdekatan dengan gwe silalah buat aktiviti utk mengisi masa lapang pada minggu cuti merdeka k...kalau tidak gwe akan sangat kecewa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Losing Something...

Pernah kah rasa hilang something....terus rasa hidup tidak menentu??

when you lost something that is dear to you...something that is important to you....something that you feel that made your life complete...?

sampai rasa frust pun ada... rasa sedih memang la....

kadang2 boleh rasa marah juga...

kadang terus tia mo pikir...tapi bila teringat hati pun menjadi gusar balik....!tercari-cari...terpikir-pikir amacam boleh jadi macam ni....?tu lah bila dekat2 tidak juga hargai...bila sudah pergi tercari2 pulak.....

adoyai...this few days or maybe weeks hati rasa tidak besh betul....rasa tidak tenteram...rasa tidak besh hidup tanpa dia ni....terus tiba2 mo nyanyi Baby come back to me....!!!

mana sudah pigi lah dey...please come home.....!! I missing you...!!!

I AM MISSING MY MEMORY CARD...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....

sudah 2 minggu nicko duduk di bawah meja tidak bermaya sebab jantung hati dia teda.....tanpa jantung dia..dia ni mati....!! Damn...aku sudah cari2 tapi tidak ku jumpa...!!

Ahli nujum sila lah tolong kasi tilik di mana dia...??? adoyaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.................

utk pengetahuan gambar2 di posting selama ini adalah dari hp....

Rindu kan FUN & KETAWA...

it's thursday ALREADY?????? demn can someone please slow down this clock....i just can't catch up.....

to think of it i had only 2 days of lousy day..but it affected almost the whole week???kurang ajar lah ini perasaan.....!! rasa mau saja baling2 dilautan...(best kan kalau dapat p laut?) but today aku sedikit waras....i tot of things..then i decided not to let this feeling let me down....akan tetapi...jeng..jeng..jeng...(apersal sebut nama sendiri ni ha?) today...i have a sharp backpain...my head is throbbing like there's a drum beat in it...and my nose is meleleh tanpa henti...!! oh well today is gonna be a great day...a good one...!! (tetiba positif tidak tentu pasal) not gonna complain about anything ....just living the living....!!

ada org berkata...org suka sangat saya dan saya spesel sebab...saya pandai berjenaka...aku seorang bubly freak....aku seorang yg sweet dan cute (ini tambah sendiri) dan aku pandai kasi neutral keadaan..... tp utk makluman...aku juga bisa nangis...dan aku pasti bukan lah superman....ada juga hari2 yang aku malas berjenaka....ada hari yang aku malas berceriakan keadaan..dan ada hari juga aku menunggu org menceriakan aku...tp aku tau...semua bermula dari diri sendiri...so mari lah aku menceriakan kamu..kamu..dan kamu..dan juga aku sendiri....!!

Hidup ini tidak seindah mana...! tapi kita boleh creat keindahannya sendiri...!!let's be happy today....!! hati tidak ok tidak apa...just put a smile (palsu pun palsu lah) think of the funniest time you ever had...and it will surely make ur day.. sampai bisa pee dalam pants... this was my wildest laughter : (aku rasa gembira hari ni dan ketawa berabis dalam ofis sebab ni)

sekian terima kasih...!!

(maafkan aku kalau maruah kengkawan terpaksa aku gadaikan demi mengejar satu ketawa hari ni but admit it i made you laugh kan??)

(jogging telah di tunda sehingga belakang sembuh..ni bukan alasan tapi realiti...) dan hati ini masih sakit hati...tapi aku pilih utk ketawa hari ini...

When the huge GAP digust me...

Call me emotional...call me unrealistic...but i know it's reality and that's why i am disgusted by the real gap that exist in the world we are living now...growing up in a home that i always wondered why other kids could have posh toys but not us...? but without realising that i was living a fortunate life compared to others....until now i can't help to complain for why i was not born with a golden spoon in my mouth. After this reason trip...i realise that i am one of a lucky ones...and i should be more apreciative of this life....i don't know why but i gotta admit much to the fun we were having during the whole holiday there were more of distress being in a country that had a huge gap...life must go on...one thing that "slice" my heart the most was this qoute "Di Indonesia apa-apa bisa dijadikan duit,dan kalau ada duit smua bisa lakukan."

i'm not turning itu a snobbish person...but after this trip i gotta admit i hate getting mud or wetting my feet while i walk on a rainy day with people constantly asking me to buy stuffs and offering umbrella rental...

and please forgive me if i felt disgusted with a under 15 year old kid who was showing off his newly bought TISSOT wrist watch to a friend.

nota hati: knp harus duit jadi ukuran?tp who can admit in this era without money we can be happy?

Mood of my week...

It's friday again....and damn the days do fly fast...without even realising it's already FRIDAY...i am half heartedly liking friday today...part of me want to just jump up and scream YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! part of me just sulking my head in my pillow thinking that..no not again and soon it'll be monday again...(such a loser kan???)

reason of being so demotivated this week :

1.Monday blues (as usual need i explain???) to make things worst ...my laptop's screen konked out....(ada org sudi sponser repair??) smua gambar2 smua koleksi and my CS3 in there...that explain why all my pics not watermark and editing sudah...! sad..sad..sad

2.Tuesday Diarrhea that made me not well in the head too...i seem to make some one upset i feel lousy until today cos that someone is goin through a critical time...(deeply truly madly sorry)

3.Wednesday sucks. cos someone said something that strike my heart..(but anyway tidak mo jadi seperti kanak2 yang terus tidak mau kawan...tapi well jika kawan tidak perlu kan pertolongan kita...kita better undur diri lah....sebab smua sudah dewasa ada otak dan pikiran sendiri....n memang dia tidak anggap kita kawan apa boleh buat...life must go on babe...let's ride again (words to self ok ...)

4.Thursday: It feels like being in a display or being in a zoo where the part is full of glass compartments...this is how it feels like in my office right now...(arahan bos blinds smua dibuang...) so please don't knock on the glass so that the animals don't get aggitated...(i am so damn annoyed)

Friday...friday...friday....you are here again...i am hoping for a great weekend so i can rejuvenate and get ready for my wild zoo ride on monday to friday next week....

fudnotty : I hurt my heart and i bruise my feelings...oh well bumi tetap berpusing..! jane go go go...

p/s by the way gambar2 tidak ada kaitan dengan post...sila nikmati dengan sungguh2 :P (see i am still me...jokes tetap hidup dalam me)

and Yes i won't understand....

when a friend say "you don't know how i feel ...!!" somehow automatically it hits a button in my heart....yeah i might not understand or i might know how you feel in side....cos nobody will know what we feel inside ...

even though people might not know what it really feels but some people have been down that road and some people are still walking the same street...

sometimes it feels sad...and i wonder why i even care...or even bother...but anyway i hope that friend of mine will get over things and realise that along the way... you might lost some people who just wanna be a simple friend...

i learn myself that this life is a lonely journey if we chose to walk alone...

i am very blessed with good friends that stick with me through the dumbness time of my life...the stupidess decision i might make...and the craziest time in my life...i thank everyone of you...i can't express myself sometimes..but i know you'll understand...cos you say nothing at all and just join me...!! muahhhhhhhhh...i love u guys...

fudnote:aku bakal hilang kawan bergosip...but i know i'll be fine...

DUsh..DUsh..!!

Haishhhhhhhhhhh...baru mula mo ok...!! i have to open my dumb anger mode....!!!

now i feel so yucky inside....!! need to apologise big time..(but i did tapi teda respon) darn !!!
aduiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii... rasa macam mau gali lubang terus tanam kepala bodoh ini dalam lubang...!!

Fudnote: knp ada feelin macam ni ah..??

Kurang semangat...! AKU HEBAT!!!

there's a feelin of wanting to cry lingering in my heart....it's a painfull feelin..! tapi i know i just have to get on with life as it is...I can do all things with God with me kan? (sure Tuhan masih sayang?)

i just got a memo that bertambah beban kerja...! byk gila2..sampai staffs pun tanya boleh ker bos? (sejak tau durang under me baru ada hati panggil bos..cilaka punya staffs)..
sekarang aku ni macam gila kuasa smua aku kena buat...damn damn damn
dulu satu bahagian sekarang ni macam 3 bahagian..!! shishhhhhhhhsssssss...!..aku ingat naik gunung susah...rupanya turun dari gunung ada lagi benda yang susah...!! %$^@#@#~!?!!!!

pegawai satu tu jaga satu benda and benda itu senang...!! (apa lagi aku mo cakap!!!???)

mo nangis pun ada...mo berlagak hebat pun ada....!smua perasan pun ada...mo bunuh diri pun ada..mo buat tidak kisah pun ada...!! Tuhan jaidkan lah aku superheroin...!! jadi kan lah aku hebat sehebat nya...!! tapi apart from that...aku pun bisa rasa sedih dan mo menangis....!!

(as i am writing this my eyes are swelling with tears...)

tapi apa juga kan nothing is impossible...!biar lah byk2 bagi kan ...aku kasi biar saja lah kan ..! let's be positive..! let's be a winner..! (cheh ketara betul berpura2) biar lah ..! aku mo berlagak ..berlagak aku ok..!!

lepas ni aku pun teda kawan sudah di ofis..so looks like i am all alone sudah ni...! biar lah ..! hidup ini perlu di teruskan walau bagaimana pun kan...! p mampus lah org2 sini ..!!!ambil kesempatan lah byk2...tiapalah...! korang kumpul2 lah kebahagiaan sekarang...!! biar lah biarlah...!! aku mo p back packing..!! lantak koranglah..! i'm gona have fun...(w/pun teda duit..aku blasah saja)
kalo apa2 jadi kat aku harap aku jadi hantu kacau2 durang masa durang tido...(i know i know ni bodoh..!! tapi salah kah aku marah)

ok sudah lah ...byk cakap byk dosa...!!aku tau aku hebat..itu lah korang pilih aku buat byk kerja..!! AKU HEBAT..!!!

fudnote:CILAKA org2 ni...biar lah sekarang aku tanggung berat..mati nanti korang tanggung lebih berat...!!

Demn this world..!

Hari ini hari yang sungguh mencabar utk lalui... (demn why do i sound like a malay story book)

it's one of the day that i just want to laugh sekuat2 hati sampai ternangis2 and nangis2 sampai ketawa2 memperbodohkan diri....

why is this life hard to go about ha?despite having "heart"problem this few days...demn..demn...

tetiba today i received a letter saying there's an offer to do attachment in an educational institute overseas..namely PARIS (cakap pun sudah mo nangis..)ironically closing date for application is on the 25 January.........Bodoh sial bengong...!! today is 21st lah....i have only one and half day to think about it and go buat permohonan for release...and standard procedure and redtape/birokrasi of a gov sect. you all know it will take months of approval....when i only have 2 days...why bother bagikan surat tawaran tu...!! shishhhhhhhhhhhhh....oh well forget about it...

ada perasaan marah,sedih,confuse..hmm..

walau apa pun terjadi berjalan lah tanpa henti...!!

Fudnote: mampu kah aku?jalan tanpa henti...please someone take my heart and campak lah ke laut....!

Goin away to the same place the same time the same Crowd!!

this time it feels diffrent...i know not why...but it feels not the same...

don't get me wrong...i've been waiting for this moments a long time ago..but the feelin is just confusing....

sehingga aku sampai mungkin aku akan tau perasaan sebenar...!

i got to get out of this place for a little while...!i've gotta go....!!

Nightmare has began..!

saja buat gempak tajuk ni..tapi sebenarnya takda hal lah...! just have to learn not to panic and remember to breath...!

Can't Breath...

I can't breath....

please help me...i am struggling to breath...

please don't ask too much of me right now...i don't even know who i am today...! I just want air....I need oksigen.... and i hate when people corner me at time like this...and make statement yg buat aku rasa bersalah....you guys know me too well that i wouldn't turn down any favour...i am just demn tired of people asking favour from me right now......!! and by the way can i ask a favour please just let me breath and think for a day or two....

I had another M.oM today...while otw back home from work today...I suddenly had a panick attack...I forgot which pedal was the oil pedal of the car!!! my heart seem to stop for a while...!really could feel blood pumping thru the vein of my brains...i was struggling to diffrentiate...the oil and break pedal!!

maybe i am just plain tired and so much on my mind lately...and having a severe back pain that is killing me......so friends please forgive me if i may seem so insensitive...i am just having a hard pace of life lately... i little it confuse too on what i am doing with my life...!!bills are pilling up too..work is all not goin my way too...

sikes..i need a little break from life ....God can you help me???

Phenomenone

with the H1N1 goin about..from the start i kinda spt biasa state of denial saja..apa2 saja yg merunsing kan memang mode denial come to life...tidak mo kisah...tidak mo peduli ...tidak mo ambil tau apa pun...lantak lah..!!

tapi jauh di hati memang berharap no one i know is effected by this phenomenone...despite i was told that one of our RA here is in ICU and is suspected...by the way he just got married recently...hope he'll be fine....

And got to know that a lecturer of ours just found out she has a tumour in her head yesterday...!!She's in the hospital as well...

byk betul news yg kurang menyedapkan hati lah...bila berfikir hati mau menangis...Hati terasa lebam....

mungkin betul lah...dengan tidak mo fikir and tidak mo tau lebih baik...! Not that i don't care but it's just that i cannot take it..! this few days hati terasa sedih saja...tia tau knp..rasa just wanna run away....just wanna stop the clock..!stop the world from turning...!just wanna ask everyone to shutddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!...it's like freezing and listening to the clock ticking....

maybe sebab kurang berkomunikasi dengan dunia luar and just berlawan dengan perasaan diri sendiri beberapa hari ni..and mungkin cos of letih juga...! tired dari segi mental fizikal dan emosi..!sakit belakang yg tak terhingga...!brain just freeze...

p/s sori lah geng..kalau aku buat dunno...kalau aku buat tak interested...i am just lazy...!!lazy to think....kalau sudah letih ini lah jadi nya...!

My heart is missing someone...

Suddenly my heart is missing SOMEONE who is suppose to be near and dear to me....

Missing the days and nites talking,pouring out of heart...

Missing the days when i know someone will be watching over me...and reassuring me...

and give me hope

Missing the feeling of a hand holding mine...and gripping it to tell me it's ok...

the one i share everything with...the tears and laugthers...

the first person i talk to in the morning...and the last person i summerize the whole day to...

the feelin of someone giving me everlasting love.....unconditional love...

Days turn to weeks...weeks turn to months....and months will turn to years...

what have i done,what have i done

what have i lost...what have i lost...

I lost a FRIEND who is suppose to be forever in my heart...

I lost the most precious relationship in the world

Where can i run, where can i hide...

i know i will have to seek...i will have to find myself...

get back on my feet and run the race again...

run till the finish line...

But i am not strong to do it myself...

I need help...

would YOU help me find my back the path i am suppose to go?

Would you help me?

Fudnote: Ketika menulis ini...aku rasa aku kehilangan sesuatu yang sangat berharga dalam kehidupan aku...doakan lah supaya aku temukan kembali cinta yang sejati...supaya perlumbaan hidup ini tidak sia2...tapi damai sejahtera akan ku temukan...

I miss you : MANILA....

I want to travel...can somebody help me???

tetiba hari ni aku rindu bangat sama ini tempat...!

tetiba aku rindu jugak tuna pie jolly bee...(ini semua salah ko togou!!!)and
aku rindu sama tu weird thingy yg kita makan dari jolly bee..!! masa di sana cakap yucks tapi sekarang macam best pulak!!!..
Aku rindu makan pancit pagi2...
aku rindu org panggil2 "maam..maam..pili na..pili na.." lacoste..lacoste...
aku rindu sama intramuros dan uncle bullets hole...
aku rindu sama box karaoke yang kita tia pandai pakai...a
ku rindu sama rum emparador...aku rindu buko pie...
aku rindu makan lechion...
aku rindu sama ghor n jerry
aku rindu sama hotel palm entah apa sudah tu...
rindu juga spagetti jollybee...!!
aku rindu asking charles to convert duit peso p ringgit...
aku rindu jadi gila bila nampak handbags and pearls...
dan aku rindu byk-byk..byk lagi..!!

Most of all aku rindu sama kamu orang la....!!!!!!!!!

kamu orang ada rindu saya kah?? (kahkahkah soalan berani mati )atau korang rindu sama tuna pie??


sedar kah gambar ini "kita" (espesially aku lah tu) nampak sangat gemokssssssssssssssss....!!! (hidup aku berubah lepas trip ini..!! aku makin malas bersenam..makin byk makan...dan makin bertambah jisim!!! I HATE YOU GUYS FOR MAKING ME FATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT...!! (gurauan aja ya))

travel note:Please guys..can we do another trip together??

p/s like the new theme song??:P