Can't Breath!!

Been caught in work and tonneeessss of work....this past week....was struggling to do some report the whole night while having to suffer diarrhea and vomiting at the same time....and had to drag myself to work today....but anyway...Still thanking the good Lord for today...at the point of giving up on this stupid job...suddenly I found strength to carry on..!that's the funny thingy about HIM....when we let go of things....He let us cling on Him....!!

yesterday I was angry the whole morning...and can even hear myself screaming at my staffs like never before....and as I pause..i could feel my heart bleed...!! then I told myself this will be over soon...!! then today was the hardest day to come to work ..with all obstacles I manage to come in to work and sat in 2 meetings...and now I feel that I want to faint!!..but it's 4.50pm..and only 10 minutes to go to the weekend....!!

deaf,Blind and dumb.....

\
I hear nothing, I see nothing and I say nothing...

This is one of the days that I really feel like just quitting my job.(which isn't an option in life)...as I drove to work this morning I was like telling God...I am sick and tired of being a scape goat...!! being that person who people can blame...yesterday was a tough day...that I realize that what ever I say..or how true I am...I am still wrong when they say I am wrong...and if they want to put a blame of someone they will even if on papers is stated....oh man...you just can't win with these people....!! as I sat there fuming up...I was like telling myself how long...how long can I stand this...!! but one thing I told myself was to never shade tears in front of worthless people...!! ( I really wanted to cry!!!!)

as there is always hope.strength and love...I will always always have to learn the purpose of why am I even here....!!


and again I as thee o Lord... how long....

Be a giver and not only a receiver....

it really struck deeply in my heart...about the whole giving and receive thingy....I have been struggling with this the past few months...and was really arguing with myself in my mind about giving....

Christopher Chapman’s 1680 grave in Westminster Abbey reads “What I gave, I have. What I spent, I had. What I left, I lost by not giving it.”

I realize that the moment you start to "berkira" of what you gave that's the moment that everything would go wrong...because you gave out of the wrong reasons...I "use" to have this naïve thingy that would give and give and do and do...but as time goes by I started to "berkira" started to ask why am I doing this doing that...? and why should I? then finally I started to give less....and that was when (now I realize) life was unhappy...life started to be miserable...  

I stumble upon an article that was shared on FB today...

http://mystarjob.com/articles/story.aspx?file=%2F2013%2F8%2F10%2Fmystarjob_careerguide%2F13433456&sec=mystarjob_careerguide

I am still struggling but hoping everything would be better in time to come....

when I read dy's post there was a sentence ...warmth, generosity, hospitality beyond compare.

these four things struck me...it's really simple....but hard to practice....how can we do that?...some people give the little that they have...and it sometimes meant the whole world to the other....

I will try to find my way back to the route which was suppose to be...my mom always said when you're giving you should not complain cos...that's when you let God bless you...! I have yet to master that kind of giving in my life...a long the journey of life...I have met strangers who just gave me so much that I was dumbstruck ...beyond comparison ... would I be able to do that?...will I try to do that??

what's left of the year...!and I will try to give the best that I can...!! be the giver...and not only the receiver...!

p/s....had a weird dream last nite...was awaken by it...I dreamt I was pronounce dead!!!..

note for the heart : Be thankful for what you have because what you have might be gold to others...!!

Breaking up....

*hangat kan the title...

I am kinda disappointed and rather upset with some "good friends" of mine... I think it's time to grow up and break up...you can call it immaturity but I shall call it major league disappointment and with a dash of disgusted that we even know each other...

or maybe I am just gonna sleep on this friendship and see how things goes....

fudnote: there are times that you yourself will disappoint people without even realizing....so God help us..!


* please forgive me maybe it's just pms....but somehow this has been bothering me the whole month....I hope one day I will be able to tell a friend off instead of keeping quite and be nice...! everybody has a limit...when the line is cross..anybody would blow up...let be think back of more positive things to neutralize the condition (so far I can't think of one)

three days....

For the last 3 days I have been complaining about how I spend my 3 days of break...as I was browsing the internet I stumble upon this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBFV6o2h1Us ... I've seen both this couple in church...and heard them share the word a few times...

as I watch this...couldn't help it but to cry and cry... until my eyes were swollen...!! It somehow move my heart...

how someone so small in a short time touch peoples lives...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiFcbK4Pt_U

 
Life is valuable ....life is short...how can I compare my thousands of days alive with this baby's 3 days ....will try to spend the best of time while I still have time...!! as we always take for granted we still have lots of time together in this world...but we will never know when the time comes to leave..!!

I pray that if one day we will face things that will break us....make our heart broken in many pieces....we will be sane and walk each other through times like these....!

Selamat hari raya....

oh my...the hari raya break really ruin my whole one month long of diet....!!!it was hard dieting for one month...and ruin it in 3 days..........dang!!!...

the pic above is nasi impit & lemang mix with rendang and kuah satay...!! it's like a sleeping pill...after I ate this went to sleep and couldn't wake up!!!!...

diet crashing!!!

Today is Raya....

ate too much today....until I can't stand up!!... had a full day with the cuzzies and family....!

p/s my watch died on me today....

fud for the heart: I hear my own heart beating today.....

limit is limitless...

I know I have been asking and asking this question over and over again...what is you limit??

how far can one go...? how far can one push his or herself....

 

i am just hoping to see that oasis in the desert.....that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow....!! but looks like it's all fairytale...!! if i ever have kids...i would not teach them any nursery rhymes or tales....it's just putting false hope in their heart and will do much damage when they grow up....!!! 

 

 

 

my wallet is a little dry this month....and i calculated just enough for the whole month...but...just now after going out for dinner with some old friends...i came back to realize that my car front tyre had a tear and was losing air....what a great timing!! but i shrug my shoulder and decided to deal with it tomorrow ...i don't know how i can afford a new tyre but let tomorrow be tomorrow....

there's a favorite song that eva always sings...row row row your boat, gently down the stream...merrily merrily life is like a DREAM.....really...life is really like a Dream that you like it to be!!but when you wake up it is not!!!!!

fud for the heart: It's ok to dream..but when we wake up from it..it's either a bad dream or a good dream...it's just a dream!

Oh My GOATIE!!..(Diet mode)

 I was at my doctor's appointment last week...and she said the only thing progressing is my weight...!!
and she said.." I am telling you in the nicest way...please lost some weight..and she smiled...!! sooo...ok I am starting diet mode immediately... I have one month before I see her again...
so I decided to start on Friday.....I went shopping for stuffs....oh I tell you shopping on a hungry stomach is really a bad idea...
Meal day 1

 an apple...and orange juice...!!
but I fail...!! was so so hungry that in the middle of the night I had a cookie...!! (all the way from laos this cookie) it really really taste like the kjeldsens's..butter cookies you buy in the round tin...!!live saver this cookie...!

Day 2-
woke up so so so hungry....search in the fridge...luckily had this...!! so I made pasta with some mince meat which was the left over of tacos filling we had in june...I bet because of the well marinate herbs and seasoning the taste is not bad....

 and yes...I counted how many pasta that I wanted to eat hehehee....pathetic....!!

Dinner was...

 Day 3
Brunch was tuna sandwich...!

 Lunch was salad...with fried chicken!!! (hahaha...I know I know but..i need to stay alive too you know )

 

 

 

I am wondering what to have for dinner today....!! one thing good about going to work is that I won't be tempted to look for something to eat...I had my Green organic drink  this morning and surprisingly I am ok and it's almost 5...!!but I tell you the craving of nasi bryani for dinner is like calling my name!!! hahahaa.....!!


p/s don't be fool by the 1st picture...!! that is a weighting machine that makes people think they are slim...!! am actually not thattttttttt light... (but I wish)



Giving back what we have received...

sometimes it's just sad when we forget to give back what we have received...don't get me wrong... it's not the demanding to be paid back....it's just that I don't get it when people have done so so much for you when you were in need and now it's just a little thing that that someone is asking for just a little time...and yet we make a big fuss....

sad but true...but being a mature person that I am trying to be....you can't force people to realize things too....and most people don't get it...well the next time when someone help or accommodate you...please don't say when it's my turn i'll repay you.. (this is the part I hate most... janji kosong yang tidak ditepati)....

fud for the mind: Never say what you don't intend to do...that's really sick..!!

August....

it's august...4 months to end the year....

boy..how time really flies.....it's already the 8 month of the year.....!! as I read all my post...boy did I have a rollercoaster  year this year....from doing a marathon..to being stuck with a back problem....and the family had an up and down year too...

but I was glad that I learn lots...and at times was lost but found the way back...this few days having a time with a friend from korea..really reminded me what I really wanted to do this year...and as I wrote during the post of our trip to korea that really was a mind changing...as I was to lost touch of that memory..these few days I was reminded once more...of how life is suppose to be (even if I still am searching whats that?)....

many people asked me why my life is uneventful as I didn't get to travel this year...as I ask myself too that same thing..but with the condition of the back that limit me from traveling...and most of it due to the heavy medical bills that I have to foot out monthly...I am still being blessed that my trip to the chiro is always a fun one and an adventure...as I learn more about my own body...and as I learn to worry about my own healthy and learn to love it more...as never did I all this while...by the way I love/ like the feeling that people offer to pick up heavy stuffs for me now...it's like being pampered....and having people drive me too is a great thing....

so I will say so far this year is a sabbatical year for me to really understand and know my limit....I use to think that pushing myself to the limit is normal...now I know it's not...

I would still love to see places and learn more about the culture...maybe I will start going round again when I pick up the financial mode....:P...it's my dream to bring my parents for a long holiday... I have to do is soon...as time is ticking....

so ...for rest of another 4 months of the year...I hope to..:

1. Be healthier... (I should change my diet...hopefully my back get better...)
2. Be happier... ( should learn to laugh at everything that comes in myway...
3. Be richer... ( save more money)
4. Be ready...(ready for everything that will happen....I realize that my heart is weak....and I seem to handle lost...can seem to understand things....)


P/s : we just lost a grand aunt this morning....and I am trying to just let this passed and don't think about it...

Fudnote: I just wanna live my life as it is the last....

those little things....

it's amazing that little things can really touch ones heart...and sometime without people even realize it....little-2 things that can make the heart soft or even breaks the heart too....

I have been feeling like crap for the past few weeks...and is trying not to be too sensitive about things.. am learning to ignore stuffs...and just pick up some that I feel is worth thinking about...I think it's the stress at work that's eating me up....don't get me wrong I am actually starting to enjoy work but the environment is the one that makes my heart grow sour everyday...(it's hard being a scapegoat and being treated like a blacksheep because of your faith....and it often make me feel like crap)...\

Those little2 things that can break or make one heart strong...

1. Cutie pie....this little creature that God created....

Never fails to greet me at the door cheerfully when I come back from a hards day of work.....this sure melts my heart......

2. Workload....

 sometimes it makes you really just wanna run and jump off a tall building.....tonnes of paperwork really makes the heart hardened......and when you spend the whole day doing the best you can do...only to be thrown back at you saying what you did was rubbish and at times ideas and paperwork that you did but others get credited for it...yes...work life sucks.....

3. Working with insensitive people of a different faith....

 I recently said OMG...and someone said back to me...it's your god....My God is different God....WTH!!!! (I don't know why but that simple word broke my heart that day...)

4. Colourful band

 A friend from korea gave me this simple band that she made... she didn't know how to explain in English but she said it symbolize wishing you long life....I don't know why this little simple band touch my heart that day....when you feel like giving up on life...there is still people wishing you to have long life...!!

5. Cookies with love...

received these cookies all the way from LAOS... was sure that these were made full of love....it touched my heart because for someone who is struggling to survive there and was so sweet of her to make cookies for us....

 



 6. Dumb dumbness....

yesterday I had a very very important meeting....and I was waiting for a document to be brought... and i was really late....and just a few minutes before the meeting i was give this doc...i don't know how to react....to cry...? to laugh??? but it surely made my heart sore and crack up for a minute...

 

 

7. Being Missed...

 

Knowing that you are in people thoughts sometime really makes the heart melt too....

 

 

there are more but I just can't write all of them....those little-little things that people do for you ...life giving up ones bed for a stranger...that is a GREAT thing to do...it's funny that little2 things like that can create a full blast impact on ones life and heart.....I had an opportunity to entertain a friend who came from korea a few days ago... and all I could think about was it was not enough to repay what they had prepared for us.... maybe it was simple...but I was how they made us feel...

as I think of it...it really impacted life ...how I should be more accommodative ...but well the heart means well but time is limited...

 

How much I wish life would be different... but some how I will have to learn that I am bless....everyday in my life reminding  myself life is as it is....so those little things that at times makes me wanna give up but no doubt there are little things that give me strength too.....so just feel bless...