Smoky smell

This morning as i walk to my car i smelled a familiar smell..the smel of burning wood...made me remember the smell of Bario...the smell of firewood burning as my aunty prepare the rice for us...made me smiled..

as i walk in the lift..there was a grumpiest kid in the world...with her lips screwed up until you could hook someting on it ...she was really angry in her school uniform...i just wanted to tell her ...Hey kid..enjoy your kid life k...if you think the world is unfair now...wait till you get older and when you're working....!made me smile too...

guess life is just as it is..it's just how you live it...i knw i have been complainning about my job..but i realise it every year it get's harder..every year i get more upset and grumpy..and this time i am at the cliff and is on a brink of breaking down every end of the day...but as i rise i still believe that the day would be a good one..even though there is a long list in my schedule...even the sight of it makes me tumble..but well life must go on...now just have to wait and see till i see some opening...

Today is started well cos i already smile 2 times...!


FUNNOTE:Today is a great day cos today is Lahongs bday..!gona have fun with her tonite..

Harus Belajar berserah...

i couldn't fine a better way to make the title in English...

i had a really rough today...i had lots to do today lots of decision to make too..big one small one..and fast...i was in a grilling meeting for 5 hours in the evening 3 hours in the morning...and i was tired...i got a letter...:Jadi pemangku pegawai kanan...! when i told a friend she congratulated me...without knowing that i almost walked out of the office feeling so down that this means it came with double work and double pressure..double burden bekerja bersama2 org2 yg buduhs tahap max.. ....
i cried as i read the letter in my office....i was like God i knew this was coming my way when i came back to work at the beginning of the month...i knew my long break was to get ready for this...i myself have no faith in myself in doing this...and i can't cope with it....

But this was only a way that i could just say..I need to just let go and let God...harus berserah..berserah 100%...when He said little faith as big as a mustard seed can move a mountain....tidak ada benda yang melampau batas yang boleh di hadapikan...?

well i said. wrote. type wat ever shits i have to say...but all at last was to realise all i have to do is just let go and LET HIM...(i hope He would be kind to me...)

i am really feeling helpless like when my boots were stuck in the mud in bario...where i was helpless and sinking...but my dad came just the right time and held my arms and pull me out...step by step he taught me how to walk..where to step....i wish i was a child again where when i am in trouble my dad will bail me out...my dad would carry me when i have a fall..

i wish many things....but i must learn to live trusting my God....


Tuhan aku betul2 percaya Kau tau yang terbaik utk aku...dan aku ingin belajar berserah...ajar aku berserah hanya kepada Mu....

Weekend is my weakness....

aduhs...how i love but hate weekends...cos weekends are my greattest weakness....

this weekend is my first weekend of the year home (my own home :p)

started my saturday early...as early as 6.30am...wanted to make my laksa...(shows how much i missed home already) i got everything the day before...almost everything...except for "daun ketumbar"....so i went to the market to buy that..and only that.....

the whole day eating the laksa and cooking something again in the evening....

Sunday:

so much for thinking of dieting after the laksa fix...

but kecundang cos early morning already fried my meehon...

that was not all...

lunch was nasi lemak...

and now i am roasting chicken in my oven...!!

Oh NOSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.....Wat the heckssssssssss...!

JANE... JANE.... JANE....tsk..tsk..tsk...

may i add...in between saturdays and sundays...i had icecream too..(ni smua salah ko fread!!! ko beli tapi tia makan!!!!!!)

oh well yang penting gembira kan....!

(sorry guys no pics..cos no mood for picture taking)

God if you can't make me thin please make my friends fat too ;P

Paying Homage

Every journey home is always a nostalgic one....like every year it's mind changing...this time was really an adventure for me and my faith...

despite not feeling well on the first half of my holiday...i had real fun and this time i realise how life is miracle everyday...flyin in and out is also a miracle...and every second is in God's hands....i was thinking of how if we crash..(can't help it if your plane was driven by a trainee).come to realize that...how...my grandfather...and other family live all this while putting their trust solely on God everytime they flew in and out....

while i was home this time lot's sadden my heart....the deteorating health of the old ones...and the deteorating faith of my entire race...sad...but true....a hearthy conversation that i know that i saddened my dad when i said just let everything be and dust the dust from your shoes....he look at me and said these are my people..my relative...my bros and sisters..how could i let them burn...kinda shook me too...now i kinda know where i got the trait...how often that i say i give up on somebody and again will still go on and on...

as everyday i live my live not remembering the hardship back home...i tend to lose myself..and as tonite i reflect on my day today...it is nothing compare with the hardship they face and yet they still enjoy everyday of their life...how the face the hot sun...how weather affects most of their activities...
i miss my rusky outfit... boots..cargo pants...and cowboy hat...how everyday i tried to carry lots of firewood home..and earn some splinters otw...how everyday i tried so hard to help up to cover for lost times...i love the feelin of sweating while replanting trees for the future...how my dad has already planned that his grandchildren will have enough wood for their dream home...like wat his dad did for him...( i just gotta work on finishing the house this year...i like the idea of having a view of a whisky bottle from the  verandah of the house...;P)

on the day i was told that i was to leave...i was furious cos i know it wud be another year that i wud be back again...sorting out stuffs..forking out money to make sure things were done while i will be away...seems like a faded idea...helpless..but it was a great journey that made me whole again..made me realise everything is in His hands...

ah..life..would it ever be easy?

Tuhan aku doa supaya aku panjang umur dan dapat melihat keinginan hati di capai...wat i want is seldom wat i get...so Lord please teach me to wait unto You....

Day 4....

I know i said i will change...i will be strong...but this is only Day 4...and i think i am on the urge of breaking down....my brain is frying...and i feel that i really can't cope with work anymore...so much so manyyyyyy...don't know how don't know how!!!

JANE.............. BREATHHHHHHHHHHHH............!!!!!!!!!!!

Did i tell you guys...the other officer resigned and one of my hardworking (infact the only) died.....lalalalalalaaaaaa....

just barely 2 hours of good friends leaving me i am already on the edge of the cliff...


rasa mo meronta-ronta, guling-guling, nangis-nangis...................

Muddy Christmas break...

 ketibaan datin booties..

 Farmboy...

 Nengar nuba'...

 Muddylicious road...

 cooking kikid....(smash bones with rice...)

 konon takluk dunia...!!

 me mama....the human washing machine...!!

Santaian berabis... 

 Open house...

Cousins the carpenters..

Persahabatan di sebalik jamban rahsia...

I had a great long break with family and friends....it was mind changing and mind soothing too....i was so stress out before the holidays that i grew lots of white hairs overnight....this time around it was not so Christmasy for me as i was down with a nasty diarrhea....water was coming out both ends....! i couldn't eat of drink anything for 3 days...off all the places i have travelled!! none of this ever happened but it had to happen during this balik kampung trip...! but i was glad i was down with the stomach headache...(terus menjadi budak baik)....

i got well just in time to welcome togou....!! when i told her i was fecthing her with a buffalo i didn't joke...!! i think she had a good walk of her life being there....sorry ya....begitu lah setiap tahun balik kampung means to me hehehe...it was really muddy as it rain everyday but thank God for the rain as this year we all didn't have to "catu" water....

and by the way...we manage to culiks one of a top lawyer from new york back home with us to celebrate the new year....=P

i can go on and on...but anyway...i had a good time and everything made me felt helpless....the older ones are getting old and weak....then younger ones are getting older and are about to live the nest...! and there were stuffs that happened that made me really appreciate what i have...wat is dealing with brainless staffs compare to having ur whole years crop eaten or ruined by a buffalo.....and wat is waitting in an aircon car compare to walking miles and miles of muddy road under a hot sun....

i think i gotta be more greatfull for life is not that bad....

I thank God for showing how small i am when it comes to things...and how much strength He has given me to be strong everyday....

p/s YEAY....just got my CNY tickets..... I AM GOING HOME AGAIN...!!

fudnote: i wish for wishes to come true but in the end it is His will be done... 

Looking backwards to Go Forward...

i might be a little late boomer...reality just kicked in that it's 2011...

2010..??
been wanting to reminice the whole year...but never got to do it...2010 was kinda sore year for me..!but tp to think about it i accomplish lots last year...accomplish the GIANTS in my life...

January
i was becoming a exercise freak...(ternyata gagal) but i went up broga hill a few times...walk passed some strangers walk way and befriend them...

February
Climb Mount Kinabalu...(eventhough was an impromtu thingy) i am proud of myself..and my black toe nail still reminds me of it until now...i went up n down alone...and i know God was telling me that this journey of life is a lonely one

March
Burn a hole in my wallet shopping in Bandungs...and met strangers who eventually became a good friend....walaupun mula2 tidak suka but glad we made it...

April- May
Was not pretty...but looking back ....kubur smua dalam tongsampah saja :P

June
SAIGONNING....fell in love with the place...

July
My first Wedding Shoot..

August
Sang Pemimpi happened...(kadang2 best ada perasaan begini..w/pun hanya sementara

September- October
Being obses with weight losing....Bulan2 yang tidak baik jg

November
Birthday month...

December...
i had a rough December...but glad i went home to the "reality life" Bario....(will write about the adventure later..)

Conclusion 2010: Bitter Sweet...got to admit it wasn't a good year....

i am wishing praying for a better year ahead...i am hoping that i will meet more interesting people that will make my life more colourful...

people ask me what are my resolution for 2011... I answer:

1. Earn more money....(can't be greedy to say i want to be rich)
2.Enjoy life more- smile more..laugh more...
3.Live healthy...- kurang kan makan...dari 3 ketul ayam menjadi 2 ketul...gymming more
4.Get a new gadget - Samsung Pad..-maybe this way i'll read more...
5.Get myself a guy...- (semacam senang mo p shelter and get a puppy kan?)mungkin perlu mula doa dan puasa sudah...(togou- itu aunty memberi inspirasi...4 kali...takkan aku 1 kali pun tia dapat ah???)
6. Get my holiday home done for real this year...!! ( kabigans,bah mari kita p mudslidding di kampung gwe)
last and most important...

Spending more time with my Creator...smua dari Dia dan smua kembali kepada Dia....

i want to go forward...move onwards...and want to forget things or people that are slowing me down...making my life miserable..

2011 is a jolly good year...!!Spending more time with families and good friends...travelling lots....!!!!!yippey!!