the closure

this was the sky when the sun set for the last time of 2011....
the feelin inside me are bitter,sweat,sour and salty at the same time...

as i look back at the days of the year 2011 i can't really say i had a bad year cos i had worst...
i spend the last day of the year watching biographies of people that i thought had a good life and can have anything they wanted in life cos they had the money....but all i can say is the grass is always greener the other side...!
i won't imagine that if i had a choice that i would pick to be myself....but i know that there might be people who wants to be me (*ini sungguh menghairankan jika ada)

as i learned this few days it;s up to urself to what you feel...if you choose the path that will make urself sad...then you're going through a rollercoaster of hell...so i am learning step by step to learn to live a grounded life....that is....even though if life is hard...no matter how...by crawling...limping..or even by rolling...you just got to carry on with it...cos time is still on ur side...can't be wishing that you are given more time when you are on your death bed....what ever it is ...learning to go step by step...and living day by day as it is....


there are lots of things that i wanted for last year that i couldn't get it fullfilled until today...it's actually a sad thing....and to see others that are able to have them make life sucks...but then again to see people close to you being able to have some advancement in their life...i should be happy for them...yeah...i am happy and proud of them...as we walk this earth...we are not alone..so nevermind if you could'nt accomplish some things in life...but it's the same when watching people closes to you succeed...

i feel bad of making a new resolution for the new year...as the last one haven't been fullfilled...so i might just bring them forward...

and i might add this:

1.Being grounded...!(i don't really understand this myself) but i want to be grounded in what i do...and in discisions i make....and i know this will require lots of prayers...(*ini saya akui saya tahu selama ni tapi decide to just ignore!!)
2.revising financial abilities...!! ( have to get myself an advisor)

aaaahh..to think about it...i learned lots about myself this 2011...the many abilities that i have...the many disabilities that constrained me too...and as i walk everyday of the year...i met lot's of people that have said less of my presents...and i too met a handfull of people that praises my abilities in doing certain things...this i thank them so much cos it means lots.cos that is what keeps me going everyday....*jadi-next year i will try to appreciate people more....say it with words...cos i think it will give them strength to carry on...


ok well..this is to end the year...! cheers to all...!love you all...~lets live our lives as it is...cos i know there is a GREATER power that plan the road ahead...wishing everybody a new year...and a good year ahead...lets step in the new year with hope !! a new hope...a new faith...and please love yourself more...! Take care...!!!
~HUGS...!

Decision Making

Life is hard when it comes to decision making...

i am about to make a leap of disaster lifetime...

finally had the guts to do it....

kasi doa gwe kawan2...

heartnote:as i decide i really don't know if it's God's will...but i pray that He will lead...

witchcraft crap...

what will you do if someone told you that one of you subordinates practices witchcraft???

and yes....it's me again...and when i was told that i just brush off like it was a fly....!but on my way home from work today...it bordered me...when 1+1 becomes 2....nyeh...i don't know whether the news is true or it's just another gossip of the day thingy...but it made me angry and sad at the same time....i was told too that that someone is spreading gossip about me...hmm...what the heck???i have nothing againts that person...and i have no idea what she has againts me...and i want to believe that watever i have been told are false....



heartnote: today is a sad day....am confuse of this world...!help me God...

love.faith.hope

i have been wearing these around my neck for 2 months...and is believing that there is still love.faith and hope....

this was bought in australia together with a good friend...we made a promise to get fit...and to lost some weight...and this was the reminder for us...the deal that we made...it started actually with a bet...but i rather think it was a good start...the reward was if either one that couldn't shed the weight that we had decided we will be given a flight ticket to a destination...

back to the 3 rings.., everytime i walk or move,it will have a "clinging" sound...and it's sort of a reminder for my that i should take care of my body..and i have to control what ever intake my body takes... when i am doin my exercise/work out it clings too...and it reminds me to work hard...to push myself...
(its seem to be a cool thing to have)..i was pushing myself to fight for the reward...but finally i realise that i love my routine now...and felt better about  myself...

starting to love myself and then have faith in what i believe and then hoping for the best in life....

i am not saying that this becomes an idol of my life..but it becomes a reminder for me... it reminds me to carry on what i do...and never give up...

unless we learn to love ourself more we tend to realize that we can love others more...i use to think more of people and less of myself...and i know now that it's not always right...it's like the reminder when you are on an airplane...the airhostess will tell you to put on the oxigen mask on urself first before u put it on others...as i realise that at times i forget how to breath and how to help myself as i am too busy helping others to breath and to survive...and as these 3 things reminded me today..is to be love...have faith & hope...


p/s:been thinking...and rajin writing...maybe because have been having plenty of ME time by myself...memang dahsyat kalau you don't have a hp...you are not in this world..but i seem to like it...terus hidup ini aman tanpa deringan hehehe....(but it's not totally a good thing) hehe..


heartnote: let's love..and be love...and have faith..and have hope too...!! ganbatte !! just do it!

looking at 2011 resolutions....

as i search for my resolutions for the year 2011
i realize that i stated a really short resolution sampai rasa life ini so simple :P.... i stated only 6 here!
http://jenkays.blogspot.com/2011/01/looking-backwards-to-go-forward.html
people ask me what are my resolution for 2011... I answer:

1. Earn more money....(can't be greedy to say i want to be rich)
2.Enjoy life more- smile more..laugh more...
3.Live healthy...- kurang kan makan...dari 3 ketul ayam menjadi 2 ketul...gymming more
4.Get a new gadget - Samsung Pad..-maybe this way i'll read more...
5.Get myself a guy...- (semacam senang mo p shelter and get a puppy kan?)mungkin perlu mula doa dan puasa sudah...(togou- itu aunty memberi inspirasi...4 kali...takkan aku 1 kali pun tia dapat ah???)
6. Get my holiday home done for real this year...!! ( kabigans,bah mari kita p mudslidding di kampung gwe)
last and most important...



verdicts....


1. Still not rich...actually December 2011 seems to be the hardest financial month for me..!but i come to realize that money you can fine...you just have to wait at the end of the month and ur employer will deposit your pay..!- during these hard times that i realize that what ever happens give back to the Creator first ...not because of wanting to be blessed...but because it's a must...


2.enjoying as life is...and loving myself more-by thinking more of myself rather then always of peoples well being first... ( need to brush up on this next year)


3.Live healthy- is trying hard to reach a perfect BMI....i still have less then 20 days to do this...remarkably manage to shed 7 kg...and is wanting to shed another 5kg before the year ends....!


4.gadget opso...(korean meanging none)-still working on it...instead having my hp ruin...trying hard to live gadgetless...wait wait...but i got my GUMI!! GPS- who is my loverboy accompanying me everywhere in my car now...!


5. hmm...-guess just have to trust in Him...i rather think i found someone that i had fun with...and at times surprises me often...but that someone is in the don't or shall i say never touch zone...!:P


6. Still in the making..project has stalled because of some circumstances....(maybe we should make a trip to my kampung in july next year!! for the pesta...!harap masa tu smua kurus dan berstamina!!!...


looking back....


despite the current situations....i rather think 2011 was NOT TOO BAD!! even though when i go through my posts for the whole of 2011...i was asking God to be kind to me...despite facing hard times for almost the whole year.....but i thank Him that i am still sane at this moment! and maybe there seems tat there are many times i could have just stop believing in Him...but i chose to just carry on until i reach the next curb or corner...


i am happy that i did these:


1. i brought my parents for our first overseas adventure....Cambodia and Vietnam
2.i traveled with my great friends to  Vietnam,Cambodia(Phonm Penh & Siem reap) went on a grueling 12 hours bus trip  and took a awesome road trip 4 parts of Australia( life changing trip)-
3.i got transfered to a new place after 4 years...
4. i gain a family member- EVA...tambah someone to dot on...to kiss and hug....


i get very annoyed when someone ask me about my plans next year...i would just say please let me breath for a while...because i am simply drowning now....because i suddenly realize that i have grown up..suddenly i need to get up and handle stuffs like a grown up...i can't just walk away anymore....


*another pictureless post and another long long post... don't get me wrong it's a reminder for myself....and when i read it i will laugh hard next time!


heartnote: hopefully the Great God will be willing to let me have a smoother road in the year ahead...because i need to really admit to Him that i am tired already...and really sick and tired of things that are just not going well.....give me time to lick my wounds and let me rise up victoriously...this heart is finally admiting that i am not strong...and i need His help in everything... 

Family photos!

it's really hard to take ur own family photos....especially when you have a 6 years old that doesn't want to cooperate...and with the grown ups fuming when the kids are screaming....indeed the studio photographers earn what they yield...no wonder it cost so much to take a studio shot....so guys it's really worth what you pay people in the studio!!!

i really counldn't find any perfect shots....but anyway...let it be lah...!

this are the uneditted versions...simply lazy to edit

i know i said i was thinking of things what i want to thank God for...these are the people that i thank God for everyday....thanking Him for good health...!and asking for plenty more years of togetherness time....

THANK YOU GOD...this are the little reminders that You remind me that You are awesome just the way You are....!

p/s...i realize i can finally see my neck in these pics....wakaaakakka...

striking out....

Dec is almost ending...that means the year is ending....phew how fast the time flies...and i just realize that the year is almost over...

i started the month of Dec with a tumble...and is still on tumbling streak..first i accidently drop my hp and it doesn't work anymore...and my room door automatically shut and the lock had to be pryed open...damage to the lock that have to be replaced....and a day or two later because of making things easier for people i got my car clamp at my apartment ground...the worst was to pay to open the clamp was my last RM50 note...i don't know what went wrong that i burned a big hole in my pocket this month that i just didn't have enough...with the expenditure up...striking out again..with the family down with bad diarhea...and was out almost the whole week....even though i treat it as blessing in disguise to make me even slimmer...

today after everyone has left....and i am alone in my humble home...a place which is my own...i was trying to watch tv..only to realize that the remote has konk on me too...and i sat silently and asking God...what else is gonna get wrong again?..and as i ask myself what have i done to deserved all this streak of "badluck"....and i was trying my best to give thanks of the blessings that He has given me through out the year...and there was one point that i wanted to just to say...i give thanks that He has given me nothing of the sort of blessings that i wanted...but instead He has given me things that had taught me that life is almost never perfect....never a day without trouble...never a day perfectly done...and never a plan well planned...a little boy said recently today is the perfect day..or a good day to do this..and this...without him knowing that deep in my heart i suck at doing what i do...without him knowing the trouble of doing things when your too tired...but you do it anyways just because...

i want to be like a child...believing what i hear without thinking deeply...trusting in something just because...letting someone hold my hand and trusting 100% He will guide...and to be simple in pleasing...simple in having joy in little things....naive and innocent and believing that everything will be awesome...

at times i wonder why i believe what i believe...and when your on a brink of just giving up...but you stils choose to put your utmost trust...WHat choice do you have?you have no choice at all...

there are times i just really wanted to just don't believe anymore..or even don't want to know anyone at all...but how can i say..that God didn't bless me at all.....just wishing things were diffrent, were as we wanted...but it's not...so make do...so i will just make do with what i have to end this year....

that;s why i have decided...i have decided to celebrate this Christmas alone...to close this year and start the new Year alone...because..i just want to have things my way...the way i want to ...without having answer to anyone...and i am starting a prayer n fast thingy..hoping that next year will be better than the rest of the years...cos i am starting to get tired of this life...this thing that people are dependent on you when you are just lost as you are...

i hope you guys will pray for me...


p/s i am still on my diet scheme too...for the last time i just wanna make something work in my life...!before i make a new resolution for next year...i want to reach the target before i end this year...
life is hard...and it has never been easier...but no one promise that life was easy....and i won't want to be someone else...but be myself...and enjoy the life that has been planned ahead for me...

Putting my utmost trust in Him

things are just not right in everything i do...in every situation i am going through...

but i will just have just put my utmost trust in Him..

because i just don't know what to do...!

I will just have to trust You....