Monday, December 12, 2011

striking out....

Dec is almost ending...that means the year is ending....phew how fast the time flies...and i just realize that the year is almost over...

i started the month of Dec with a tumble...and is still on tumbling streak..first i accidently drop my hp and it doesn't work anymore...and my room door automatically shut and the lock had to be pryed open...damage to the lock that have to be replaced....and a day or two later because of making things easier for people i got my car clamp at my apartment ground...the worst was to pay to open the clamp was my last RM50 note...i don't know what went wrong that i burned a big hole in my pocket this month that i just didn't have enough...with the expenditure up...striking out again..with the family down with bad diarhea...and was out almost the whole week....even though i treat it as blessing in disguise to make me even slimmer...

today after everyone has left....and i am alone in my humble home...a place which is my own...i was trying to watch tv..only to realize that the remote has konk on me too...and i sat silently and asking God...what else is gonna get wrong again?..and as i ask myself what have i done to deserved all this streak of "badluck"....and i was trying my best to give thanks of the blessings that He has given me through out the year...and there was one point that i wanted to just to say...i give thanks that He has given me nothing of the sort of blessings that i wanted...but instead He has given me things that had taught me that life is almost never perfect....never a day without trouble...never a day perfectly done...and never a plan well planned...a little boy said recently today is the perfect day..or a good day to do this..and this...without him knowing that deep in my heart i suck at doing what i do...without him knowing the trouble of doing things when your too tired...but you do it anyways just because...

i want to be like a child...believing what i hear without thinking deeply...trusting in something just because...letting someone hold my hand and trusting 100% He will guide...and to be simple in pleasing...simple in having joy in little things....naive and innocent and believing that everything will be awesome...

at times i wonder why i believe what i believe...and when your on a brink of just giving up...but you stils choose to put your utmost trust...WHat choice do you have?you have no choice at all...

there are times i just really wanted to just don't believe anymore..or even don't want to know anyone at all...but how can i say..that God didn't bless me at all.....just wishing things were diffrent, were as we wanted...but it's not...so make do...so i will just make do with what i have to end this year....

that;s why i have decided...i have decided to celebrate this Christmas alone...to close this year and start the new Year alone...because..i just want to have things my way...the way i want to ...without having answer to anyone...and i am starting a prayer n fast thingy..hoping that next year will be better than the rest of the years...cos i am starting to get tired of this life...this thing that people are dependent on you when you are just lost as you are...

i hope you guys will pray for me...


p/s i am still on my diet scheme too...for the last time i just wanna make something work in my life...!before i make a new resolution for next year...i want to reach the target before i end this year...
life is hard...and it has never been easier...but no one promise that life was easy....and i won't want to be someone else...but be myself...and enjoy the life that has been planned ahead for me...

2 comments:

Night said...

mare, jangan terbawa emosi sebab nanti akan terbawa dalam life..stop thinking about the bad things and start berfikir secara positif..
bila fikir positif, semua perkara akan terbawa oleh cas positif yang akan mempositifkan kehidupan anda..hehehehe

jenkays said...

thanks pare...itu lah yg i keep reminding myself...bila hujan lebat...tiapa..petani perlu hujan...bila hp rosak tiapa..tiapayah call so tiapayah bayar bill hehee...wat ever happen tiapa...it's ok...everythings ok..!!just carry on living...! thanks pare..