striking out....

Dec is almost ending...that means the year is ending....phew how fast the time flies...and i just realize that the year is almost over...

i started the month of Dec with a tumble...and is still on tumbling streak..first i accidently drop my hp and it doesn't work anymore...and my room door automatically shut and the lock had to be pryed open...damage to the lock that have to be replaced....and a day or two later because of making things easier for people i got my car clamp at my apartment ground...the worst was to pay to open the clamp was my last RM50 note...i don't know what went wrong that i burned a big hole in my pocket this month that i just didn't have enough...with the expenditure up...striking out again..with the family down with bad diarhea...and was out almost the whole week....even though i treat it as blessing in disguise to make me even slimmer...

today after everyone has left....and i am alone in my humble home...a place which is my own...i was trying to watch tv..only to realize that the remote has konk on me too...and i sat silently and asking God...what else is gonna get wrong again?..and as i ask myself what have i done to deserved all this streak of "badluck"....and i was trying my best to give thanks of the blessings that He has given me through out the year...and there was one point that i wanted to just to say...i give thanks that He has given me nothing of the sort of blessings that i wanted...but instead He has given me things that had taught me that life is almost never perfect....never a day without trouble...never a day perfectly done...and never a plan well planned...a little boy said recently today is the perfect day..or a good day to do this..and this...without him knowing that deep in my heart i suck at doing what i do...without him knowing the trouble of doing things when your too tired...but you do it anyways just because...

i want to be like a child...believing what i hear without thinking deeply...trusting in something just because...letting someone hold my hand and trusting 100% He will guide...and to be simple in pleasing...simple in having joy in little things....naive and innocent and believing that everything will be awesome...

at times i wonder why i believe what i believe...and when your on a brink of just giving up...but you stils choose to put your utmost trust...WHat choice do you have?you have no choice at all...

there are times i just really wanted to just don't believe anymore..or even don't want to know anyone at all...but how can i say..that God didn't bless me at all.....just wishing things were diffrent, were as we wanted...but it's not...so make do...so i will just make do with what i have to end this year....

that;s why i have decided...i have decided to celebrate this Christmas alone...to close this year and start the new Year alone...because..i just want to have things my way...the way i want to ...without having answer to anyone...and i am starting a prayer n fast thingy..hoping that next year will be better than the rest of the years...cos i am starting to get tired of this life...this thing that people are dependent on you when you are just lost as you are...

i hope you guys will pray for me...


p/s i am still on my diet scheme too...for the last time i just wanna make something work in my life...!before i make a new resolution for next year...i want to reach the target before i end this year...
life is hard...and it has never been easier...but no one promise that life was easy....and i won't want to be someone else...but be myself...and enjoy the life that has been planned ahead for me...