What a day....

The kenari broke down in the middle of the road...had to jump start and in went kaput again and kaput in the middle of the road....It was indeed a day
...

# too tired and too angry to post

Happy Born Day...Dy...

How wonderful that God created us in His special way...and from different parents only to prepare us to cross each others path to be a support system to each other in sadness and in happy times...trouble times too...as strangers we met and ended up closes as family...and I know we have not been in contact with each other more often than we use too..but I need to tell you I think of you often and say a little prayer for you and your family too...

last December my whole family literally accepted your family as our real family...and we were all thankfully for you guys being there...Thank you...

and the part of sending kacangma...when we needed them...Thank you too

thank you for being a friend and Have a Happy Birthday

DECEMBER is here....

December is finally here....and i think i just missed Nov...

December always seems to be one of my favorite month....and it's the month i seem to don't care about work...an anticipate the long holidays.... Oh how i just LOVE December....

December seems to be the month that what ever happens i'll still know that everything will be ok...it's just a month of me being carefree...!!

oh well 11 months have passed for the year of 2015...right now i really can't remember what happen the whole year...but all i know that or i think is 2015 was the year i devoted myself to my family...being with family was what that matters...i kinda missed a lot of doing things with friends..or being able to go out freely..but i think time has change and commitment are different.. i have learned to adapt...i learned to make decisions...even if it was hard...and i too learned how to struggle my own journey....and i learn how to really hope and put my utmost trust in Him..

i hope December will be filled with Love...and Happiness...will be back to the old kampung in 18 days...and can't wait...but before that i need to run some errands...


Cheers everyone and have fun in December...!!

it's OCTOBER

It's 2nd October...and it's time to wake me up when September ends...

I am glad everyone is still alive today..because that means we survive the apocalypse!! some theory said that 29 September 2015 when the moon will turn red the world will end...!!

but anyway..it's a friday hence the good mood cos it's the day i have been waiting for....for tomorrow is a weekend...!!

I think...

I think i need a break...i've been screaming at people without realizing it.....and have been doing it for the pass few weeks...

so i think i need a break...!!

and i am going to take the whole week off next week!!

when the waters are calm...

been a while since i wrote....

had a really wild 2 weeks...like running among a stampede..and trying to survive...i think my BP rose up...but isnt that good for a person with low blood pressure...i think i really need a rest cos now i am speaking in high pitch and scolding everybody around me...

when i sit down and think is this worth it?? i am confuse...but i did my best and period...!

People who are blunt... i don't despise or hate you....! But....

I sometimes really cannot..just cannot stand people who are really blunt...!!...not saying naive or ignorant...but just plain blunt...i have no idea why i am friends or rather acquaintance with people like that...

you say what you want without thinking of peoples feeling....saying things out of the blues which hurt the heart...

but sometimes i hate myself for tolerating with people like that....

and bare in mine it's not naive or ignorance it's just stupid and idiotic...

Note of the Heart : Suka hati aku nak cakap apa..ini perasaan aku...!!

Tired...not of life...but of what life gives you...

Guess it's a normal thing to feel tired at times...whether it's physical...or mentally...i try not to complain too much about this life...but just to say that sometimes life challenges just really makes ones tired...i think it must come with age too...now i just complain less..and even stop complaining to anyone...and it makes me realize that all this while when i communicate it is based on complain...when i complain less...i tend to speak less...and i realize that it ends up that i have nothing to say to anybody...and it is like living in a cocoon...

and i realize that i have less topic to talk to anyone else...even to friends who are very close...and it causes a further gap between us....

i will say that at times i feel that i am helpless...and when i need to help someone or do something for someone it makes me extra tired...but i realize that sometimes it is ok to just let go...but it is different when you want to help and to when people expect you to do...when you are shouldering heavy responsibility you realize that you need to be extra strong .. I learn that from little things you do,..leads to bigger things..so how can you  survive doing bigger things if smaller things you can't do..? so i realize that it is the smaller things that make you stronger...! makes you ready for everything...

i am struggling to write this because i kinda think that if in malay it sounds better....jika perkara kecil kau tak leh buat...macam mana nak buat benda besar?

so i now know why in "younger" days why God brought me to be faithful doing little things...little things like Driving people around...doing little petty stuffs...waiting for people...meeting people...giving little things....making people more important than life then...!

Now i realize that after all that....now...is the real thingy...when you are given responsibility of life...of doing things bigger..more important....after all that it makes me strong now.. and i am able to preservere  without the help of anyone....

i am just tired..and need refueling...and just need some rest...and no one will understand until ones have gone through the road...

Note from the heart : Life is never easy...Life is never too heart to take your life...!! so just preservere. 

the people you know..

this few days..i come to realize it's important to have connections....who you know is more important that what you know....

been going through a extended family problem....to me it's just another episode to learn more things....but it's like an episode from a long winding drama..all i am telling you is..it involve illegals...runaway...immigration and higher authorities...(you know it's a deep shit case if all of this combine together)....

but oh well when people tell me not to care....can i not care?? when it involves family....?when your old folks ask you to settle it??? can i not care? but anyway...i tried my best and now the ball is not in my court so ...i am quite relieve....i have not been able to concentrate on  work and spend so much time on looking for solutions....

but i come to realize no wonder i am miss know it all...because i have to go through stuffs that people can not imagine happening..!! oh well this experience got me to know more people....and you cannot imagine that how people ...strangers..are willing to help you ...sometimes they go overboard to help you more then people that are close to you....

nota kaki : so selagi ada hayat...selagi tu lah tolong org...sebab kau mungkin takkan tau bila2 ko pulak perlu pertolongan....org kata saya terlampau..tp org itu tak tau saya begini sebab saya tau perasaan bila kekurangan....aku yg tolong knp ko yg terasa?

Bila hati bertanya kepada Tuhan....Kenapa?

Bila kah kehidupan ini boleh senang...? bertubi tubi benda2 yg berlaku..tanggungjawab yg perlu dipikul...kalau hal sendiri boleh juga bertahan....tp ni hal keluarga dan extended family...aku sendiri pun bertanya knp perlu aku yg pening??? tp spt biasa hidup ini bukan milik seorang...tp hidup ini berfamily....org lain yg buat kita yg pening mo pikir....!! senang2 kau buat...lepas tu aku yg pening...damn...

oleh itu hati ini bertanya...sampai bila lah boleh bertahan...

dan hati ini juga menjawab... Tuhan tidak akan mencuba kita lebih daripada kemampuan dan daya seseorang...dan hati ini berharap itu benar,...

nota kaki: hidup ini sudah cukup celaru dgn hal sendiri dan hal org dalam kehidupan sendiri...yg membuat lagi sukar...bila org sekitar kita tidak memahami knp kita perlu pikul tanggungjawab tersebut....kalau ko tanya aku...sama juga aku tengah bertanya kepada diri sendiri...jadi jgn lah ko tanya soalan itu supaya beban yg aku tanggung sedia ada sudah cukup berat dapat ringan sikit....

sometimes you just have to sacrifice all the fun....

When you have to choose between reality and fantasy...you realise that you have to pass having fun cos there are more things that needs to be priorities..

Nota kaki : aku berbohong jika aku cakap aku tidak jeles org lain mampu have fun...tp aku tau bahagian fun mungkin dalam bentuk lain

Another Step in Life...

Finally signing S&P of my new crib...I pray that everything would be smooth and ok...I don't know how i am going to survive but i will try to keep it...sometimes i myself think that i am going crazy to go through this...and i am not even gonna stay there...but oh well it's for a good cause so why not...just take it as a charity home...the craziest thing is purchasing without even looking at it...!! i know i am crazy.. or maybe stupid to do such thing...but well i bet my parents had prayed about it...

i will try to survive with another tab on my back...and try to cut expenditure too...

Oh well everything is gonna be alright...!

Perception VS Reality

At times when we watch people around us...or people we know...can't deny that we will sometimes have the little amount of jealousy...a squirt of envyness over welm our heart...we can't help it to want what others have....richness...good life...prosperous life....i too am human when i see people who are able to just splurge on anything they want to...and do anything they want to, whenever they want to...

But i suddenly thought of people perception towards others vs the reality...

Personally our perceptions towards people also might be the opposite of reality...

people might look at me and say wow...how lucky i am to have

1. a stable job...
2. Properties...
3.Money...
4. to be able to travel....
5. no responsibility or commitments as i am single

and maybe more....

THE REALITY is
1. yeah i have a stable job which pays peanuts...and is also sucking the life out of me...(but oh well it put food on the table and pay stuffs)
2, WHAT PROPERTIES???? it comes with a long morgage ok...bayar sampai mati..itu pun kalau hidup lama
3.Money?? frankly speaking no cash flow...cos i owe money to get money..and yes sometimes i borrow money to lend to people....
4. Travelling...Credit goes up
5.I will curse and spit at you if you say this to me....!!! I have a truck load of people on my shoulder that i need to feed...care for...day and nite...but oh well i try to think they are blessings that God gave me to care for...

oh well everyone have the right to their opinion on things...there are lots of things that bothers me...its just how you take thinks...when you have lemons make ice lemon tea...

well i too am only human...and i have feelings and limitations too...but i know that the road i am taking is the road i chose to ride on...so i don;t blame anyone on what i face..but i just can't stand some F*(#king people who talks with their butt.......and some who hidup ini hanya menyusahkan hidup org saja...aku tak cakap hidup aku lebih susah or better then yours..

#notetoself:semua org pun susah...cuma kau pikir sendiri la hidup ini Tuhan pinjam kan saja pandai lah kau pikir macam mana mau hidup...!!!

Somedays you wonder....

Some days.. i wonder when do things would be better...and sometimes i do realize that not all things that happened in life are bad....but sometimes you just can't help it to feel despair....

lately i am feeling like life is full of worries....you just can't help it to worry....how do i do this? how do i cope? how do i get through these? How will i survive...?

but i wonder if i just do everything with a smile and let everything passed by like a mist...

life is a jinx right now...i will try to make it better with He who gives me strength...there lots of bills bills bills..that i need to settle...!! and my car has gone to the Doctors for diagnose....after long prolong delay...i finally come to my senses that safety should be first....i can find money later....!!

oh my i wish money do grow on lemon trees....cos i really need them right now...!

LOST....

Bila iman semacam kertas tisu....

bila sesuatu yg sebenarnya simple 

boleh menyebabkan iman kita retak....

Maka kita baru tau siapa sebenarnya kita...dan macam mana iman kita sebenarnya...

lepas itu kita akan rasa malu dengan keberadaan kita....

malu akan iman diri sendiri

#bukan Tuhan hutang kita...kita yang hutang Tuhan

Life...depends on how you see it...

life really sucks for me right now...
but it all depends on how you want to feel right? it's all up to you....

why run the race if you know you can't win...??but better fail at trying then to fail not trying at all...

arghh...itu kata2 yg tipu belaka bagi aku sekarang....sebab bagi aku hari ini ...life aku sucks..! tp mungkin esok life aku akan lebih gembira...so tido lah dulu....!

All Grown up....

the title is so cliche...it should be : getting old....but well depends how you think about it.....

i realise that i am getting old...decisions need to be made...our preference changes...i tend to live in a slower path...when enjoying is not always the objective of life...it's ,more of surviving..priorities changes...point of view change too...

i realise complaining about everything under the sun is worthless...worrying about everybody is too impossible...just living the life as it is..and knowing that SomeOne is in control of everything....

it's weird...i realise that i now love being in my own world...love thinking by myself...don't get me wrong... i too sometimes missed the noisiness of being around my friends...but everybody seems to have different priorities and interest now a days...so looks like we had outgrown each other...

notetoself:Nothing last forever...but in everything you have give thanks and cherish it dearly

Strong Foundation...

I have always been amaze on how a simple rock can be the foundation of a large house...the pic above shows how traditionally people in my village build the house... i can only imagine what will happen if an earth quake  take place...!! but as my dad says..this is how houses were build by our ancestors why worry?

Because of a few major events happening in the country and around us... you can't help it to feel insecure...is this really the end times...even as i am going through a timing that is oozing the life out of me...a big decision and can't help my mind to think that "God...i still need more time...!!"but everything seems to be happening so fast...that you can't help it but to panic!!...but am learning to be still !...

let's get back to the foundation part... i am thankful for the foundation that i have in me that... the simple and little things in life makes you stronger...!! things do happen..! and things happen for a reason...and most of the time we don't understand...but it happens..!! 

well we may not know how strong we are to face things in life...but as we look back we will say I SURVIVED it..!

I may not know if what i decide now will affect what i will go through later..but at least i tried...

i found a phrase that was said during the recent earthquake in sabah... " We either stay here and die or Die trying to get down..." it's 2 things that has extreme meaning...i would choose the trying part.. we will never know what will happen but atleast we tried!!!

so cheers mate..!! let's try to have a better life...!! at least try...

Decision...Decision...Decision....

This picture has nothing to do with the original thing that i wanted to write..but just wanted to share anyway...

Maybe it's the package in life....decision making....

the decision what field to study...which Uni or college to go...who to be friend with, who to stay away from....which girl or boy to fall in love with....which church to get married in...!! what menu to serve guests....what name to name your kid...!and the list go on and on and on...even when you die i think the decisions goes on...people will have to decide where to bury you ...when to bury you...what coffin to buy for you...what to dress you in...!! oh brother...!! 

every single person has a different way to tackle things in life...some choose to live and be merry...some choose to don't care about everybody...some choose to over care about everyone...

i know that you're having a headache now after reading this...i sure am right now...i am just a bit confuse right now..and just wanted to write something...i am in a midst of deciding a large "investment" which some people might not understand why i am doing it...at times i am myself trying to figure our why i am doing it too....decision...decision and decision...

sometimes it feels like time goes by so fast that you just don't even have time to think...what more to say pray about it...!! i know that all i must do is to pray about it and He will show a way...

the main reason of saying all this...i think i miss being able to just go somewhere and not care about things i left behind...but as a mature adult i know i can't just leave...so oh well...today is Friday..so maybe i might look for something to cheer me up...!! 

i should learn from my niece in the pic..!! just enjoy and be happy!!! no worries...when the time comes everything will be good!!

It's been a long time....

It's been a long time since i have type anything here...penuh habuk...!! i was doing my e filing and then wanted to check something so i open this blog....(apa korelasi pun tak tau...but there was a significant thing that i wanted to remember)...

we're in the quarter of year 2015 already.... and it's been a "rough sea" journey for me....but one thing i realize is i got older and got more mature...and have learned to stay calm (even though i still need to master the feeling of calmness)....i have learned that being calm sometimes includes not telling the whole world about what you're facing..(even when your heart want to cry out to everybody that  you meet).. i don't know whether it's mere ego and pride..of just getting matured...

for this year i will really love to spend more time with my family...i went to Bangkok with mom and dad in January.... and i was feeling proud that i was able to put a smile in my parents faces....dad had been always skeptical towards trips to Thailand...

My mom has always wanted to come to thailand to see the floating market and lots more...what ever she learned in school when she was young....
So i decided to do all the tourisy thingy....for the sake of them...

 My dad said when in Thai must eat Thai Durian....and so we did...!!

Mum was amaze of how silk was produced....it really was worth while going to the Jim Thompson place...! eventhough it wasnt in the plan...but it was worth while...she was so fascinated she spend a long time squatting looking at the guy boiling the silk worm.. the only thing i felt sorry was i didnt have enough money to buy something made of silk for her it was too expensive.

Hearing both my parent speak about being in thailand really made my heart bitter sweet.. hearing dad telling about being the best student in history because he was always fascinated about countries around him and about wars...and eras...it was indeed a worth while trip...that made me asked from God to have more time with them and more time to travel more countries with them..wishing for Good Health for them so we can go on more trips....at time like these i feel like i am running a race against time....