Time of our life....

As we live our life..there are bound to be times when we our feeling will be stuck in the moment that we are facing...it's been a week and everybody is still having this feeling of disbelief of what has happen....and as a family we really pray for the girls and especially uncle who couldn't accept what has happen...even as I go by the days...I myself when I think of her just can't believe what has happened what more to say them...

but today finally we received a message from them saying after a long week last nite was the first time they could sleep and was at peace....

last night I heard my parents talking to each other asking how long have they been married to each other...as I listen to my parents having the conversation I quietly dried off tears from my eyes...how much that we want to ignore conversations like these...we will one day face them...as I wonder about how much time we have left and what is the next step for life...I really hope that I will be able to leave everything....101% of the future to God..and try not to doubt in whatever He does.....

but can't help to have the feeling of wariness in the heart...time ...time is what we can't control ...time is what we will never get back...

somehow everything is a blessing of disguise... this few days I got to talk to my parents about things that we consider a taboo... I spoke to my parents about wanting to donate all the organs or even body when I die...mom didn't like the idea of that...she said it is so so sad and sick..i was telling her about it would help maybe 100 of people...or at least 10 people will benefit it...and the second was to find a new job...as I told them I was not happy in what I am doing right now...but is still praying about it....

note to self...! I want to do things that I really want to do before I finished off this life...!! 

Saying our goodbyes.....

As we live our life...there are bound to have goodbyes....

Today we said our goodbyes to our beloved and awesome aunty.....even though we are separated by distance with the help of gadgets we stayed together in one of the hardest time of our life...even though we are not with each other physically but our hearts were with each other and we cried together....today was a beautiful day that we celebrated the life of our dearest....

I thank the Lord that we cross each others path..and is part of each others life...the family would not be the same without you....and I pray you rest in peace....

p/s the family decided to were a pinch of colour for the funeral...and I am wearing my red marry jane too today to work....

My Heart is sadden

oh how heavy this heart is....

 

 

I know I should just carry on with life...but some how it's just sad... this feeling of heaviness...and thoughts of what if this what if that....and can't help but be helpless... have been on a 3 days break from work...and it's a good time to be with the family...the big aunty came last Monday...and I somehow realize how we as individual cope with the lost....and as we are far we are shaken...and can't help but to think about the family in Oz...we are a bit shaken because aunty was the first to go for this generation...and you can't help it but to think about it....and as her passing was so sudden ...it still seems like a dream...and I still hope that I will see her one day....I just hate the feeling of being so far and helpless....but in a way...the cuzzies have been in touch throughout this time of mourning...and I realize that we have all grown up and it is the time where we all have to protect, comfort and look after the older generation....as we discuss of things what we should do...how we should tell the older ones...I realize that we are no longer small children and some of my baby cuzzies have also grown up...the parents and aunts and uncles seems to be mum about what happened...all seems to ignore the subject...and when we do talk about it streams of tears just flow...and we sit in silence everyone wiping our tears secretly...I was chatting with one of my cousin and as we both talk and decide about things both of us just cried and cried....as we face this moment I really realize how important being with the family is...how we need to support each other...and gotta admit that there are moments that I feel stress out and just really want to run away and just ignore things....

but I know that aunty Karen was a legacy of the family...many look up to her as a cheerful lady even if she was sick and suffered she still smiled...she still can joke...the last time I was in oz I visited her and was told she was sick..but she stood up and said goodbye to me at the hall way...and then I was already wiping my tears secretly...she was a lovely lady...and I will remember her as she always tell everybody when I was a baby I always cried when I saw her...now as I hear her name I cry silently...Tomorrow is her funeral...and I really wish I was there...but all I can do is just to pray so that the family be strong and for the rest of their life they will be strong as they carry on with their life...it will be hard on uncle as she has always been his companion Soul mate....pillar of strength source of comfort...!! because she was a great lady....

 







Angry...

There are certain occasion that would make me angry with God....and today is certainly one of the day...

just came back from the a planned beach outing....we even checked the weather forcast.. it said to be a fine weather...sunny....!! we prayed for the journey and weather....and we finally arrived at the beach....and guess what it rained the heaviest rain ever seen....!! and my nephew was furious and he was angry at us...he said : you said when we prayed together that God will grant us a good weather so that we can play at the beach...!! AND why it RAINED!!!  i told him you just pray that the rain will stop and it rained because God wanted to cool down the weather....!! deep in my heart i really prayed...God please let the rain stop for this little boy....please Lord...please... How are we suppose to teach him to trust in You???..as the day got darker....and the rain did stop ....for a little while enough for the little boy to have a dip in the sea...we started a fire to bbq....and sure enough it rained...i prayed and prayed that the weather would be better and it didn't...the rain got heavier and the tide came closer....and wash off the fire...but we were just in time to cook a few things...ok never mine...like my last post we decided to make lemonade out of lemonade...we had our dinner... and off we were going home...

unpacked and making the children sleep....and i got a call from my aunty in spore...and it was a missed call only one ring...normally having a call from a family member so late at nite doesn't really sound good....i said to myself..oh crap...what again now...but then i said ok who ever it is must be old..and time is up...so i called back...and all she said was ..:i don't have the details... i am fine but aunty Karen is gone...!! My heart stop....!!i was like WHATTTTTTTTTTT.....i knw she had been sick for years...but we recently got news that she was getting better ...and we as a family always prayed for her...and my dad for certain once told me when they were in australia...he was certain after they prayed for her...she would be heal...! and now to hear about this...i didnt know what to do...i got my cousins number and all i could think was to sms....sorry to hear about mom...please take care of dad...!!!

oh crap...I am so so mad...!! i just got an email that she and my uncle had a great day today...they went to the market together this morning....and all of the sudden tonite as she was sleeping she cough up blood and was rush in the hospital and was pronounce dead....!!! WTHHHHHHHHHH.... GOD...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......and you couldn't have chose the correct day to do this...as faith had been shaken today...


but i realise that i have no one then to TRUST AND HOPE in HIM...because i may not no any other....and till the day i know all the reasons i will still try to put my utmost trust....

I seek the answers to the questions i might not even know myself....what do you say to someone who you know won't be ok in this kind of circumtances... She was the pillar to my uncle...She was the one who made him sane....She was the one who keep him strong...She was his everything...and now she is gone...

faith note: death is one thing that you can't make a mistake...once it happens there's no way of reviving it....

Wish to Chillax...

Sometimes I wish that I could just stop doing everything I am doing right now to just chill and relax....or just find a corner and just sit there to ponder....ever feel that urge to just sit out...time out??? but in real life it's not that easy...
I was on emergency leave yesterday...had a bad flu and head was spinning...back was hurting as well...so I decided to stay home...I was surprise with myself that it was a hard decision to do....!!! (I must be goin crazy)I took me hours to think whether I should stay home or just push myself to the limit and just go to work.....!! but then I realize I have to learn to love my body too...!I can go on pushing myself to the limit..even it was beyond my limit already...as I check my leave statement...this year seem to be my first time seldom take leave...I use to take long leave every 6 months and every month i'll take some days off... I will  try to find time to do that again in this last quarter of the year....must find time and the money to travel again...and get my back fix as soon as possible...( the reason of the set back of costly treatments that burn holes in my pocket...! and i just found out i can't claim)

oh well life is not as bad as it seems...i am still enjoying the family life...and it feels really good doing things for the family..this weekend families are flying over....and it feels great being able to be surrounded with family...cousins...aunties..uncles...i am taking 3 days off to be with them...so can't wait...!! and tomorrow taking the family to a beach picnic with Abi and the family....so it sure will be tones of fun...as we had a great time last weekend picnicking....! can't wait...

life note: Just live the life as it comes...loving the lemonade!!