A baking saturday...- life is good

 thanks tu merlinda for the recipe..i was craving for this cake since last week..i cut the recipe into half but forgot to cut the frosting ingredient into half...so i still have a container of frosting...
.as a beginner baker...LOL....i rather think it was a success cos i was berani enuff to give the neighbour half of the cake....:P...

 messy2 cake...

 i spend the whole saturday at home...and ejoyed it...it's great to lie back and enjoy at your own home...i suddenly felt at peace....enjoying the day as it goes by...

{p/s got to admit even though i crave for this but this certainly was diffrent then the other days cake...maybe it was the company..eating with good friends..certainly taste better}

heartnote:God is Great...everytime even every single time when things goes wrong...He still knows best..

When God give....

it's official..

i am moving on 23rd May 2011 to a new office....

Heartnote:why is it when you are at a point that you don't want what you had always wanted..then God give it to you?

and finally it rains....

this few days have been on oven mode...u are ritterally steaming....i am tempted to do some sun cooking...hehe.maybe i will sun dry some tomatoes and some vege....:P..yesterday while at lunch my friends goble their lunch meal...i drank 1 large diet coke and another large ordinary coke (don't know why i bother ordering the diet one)and one sundae.....that is how much the hot weather can effect you..!!!

on the way home from work..it was so so hot...and i remembered my mom melon soup...!!! so i rush to get me a melon and otw home it rained....at first just a few tears then it rain heavily...!! i just wanted to dance in the rain...!!(but with all this rumours of acid rain and all killed my joy)....thank You GOD...You indeed knows when and what to give at the right time and the precise moment...!

heartnote: wonder what will You do next?

A simple Soup...

I've been missing some taste that i use to taste....

yesterday i tasted a soup that reminded me of "who" i use to be....

and i was overwelm..

Do you know the feeling of lost...and suddently when you find something that reminds you of who you really are or was...it's a funny feeling or maybe an insane one....i remembered a taste that always made me happy when i was studying in uni days....i call my Uni days...days of insanity...if i look back i really feel those days where in dreams...it was not real...everything was not real...things we did...things we encountered...

back to the soup...

i was so stressed out yesterday that i was looking for a taste to sooth me...(yeah i know i knw everything must be about food..) i had a bad day at the office infact in a meeting yesterday where i kinda felt everything was wrong and that everything was blammed on me...(sampai air terlampau manis pun salah pegawai ker??) but anyway as i am always good at..but muka slamber...muka no feelin..and i smiled...

so i left the office with a heart of destruction...but anyway..went and wanted a taste that i remembered...after searching i went back home and cook up a soup...when i tasted it...i was struck dumb it was that taste...the taste that reminded me...who i was...i was a person..a person that was happy go lucky...everything anything i would do.....without fail..without any hessistation...

i actually did a dip for my chicken...it's a home recipe my mom always-always make if got a family gathering....she send me some herbs...i don't know what it is call .....and i made this..:

 slicing of onion and fresh  herbs...

 add young ginger

 oystersauce,kicap and hot boiling sesame oil 

walahhhhhhhhhh....yummie...aduhs terus tetiba spoil ini post kan....terus menjadi post recipe pulak...dem

herbs..tia tau nama...hehehe...courtesy of mister google....

heartnote: trying to remember the real taste of life....the real life...

Hidup ini perlu diteruskan

Jam: 4.00am
Tarikh: 3 Mei 2011
tempat:bilik tidur ku...

selepas bertungkus lumus membuat minit mesyuarat selama 1 jam....otak ku sudah "jammed"...ini bukan kerana rajin...ini kerana terpaksa...kalau ikut hati...bagus buang dalam tong sampah....

mula2 rasa best blog dalam BM tapi tiba2 rasa best pulak cakap BI...so switch lah ah...

I know this is last minute...i should have done it 3 days ago...i had 3 days off....saturday,sunday and monday...but i didn't do it...and know i am like burning emergency oil (instead of midnight)...gotta have this done by today....but i thank God i had 3 days of rest...of doing nothing at all...(some may say boring....but i say it is a rest) i really needed the rest before going off to "war" again today for another week....I hope this week treat me kind....! for i am at a brink of breaking into pieces already...(byk betul mo buat..tapi tangan ada dua saja dan otak ada satu saja...mana mungkin boleh fikir smua benda)...i gotta to complete everything before i get the official letter....so kawan2 sila bear with me ok...i just can't think of anything else other then work from now...!(tetiba jantung berdebar dengan sungguh kencang)

sometimes life is funny...when you always wish for something..then suddenly it is almost reality...you suddenly stop and start to think....is this really for real???is this a good move?the feelin of uncertainty suddenly overcomes...!!!how can i think of other things when i myself is uncertain what i may face....! (tetiba byk soalan yg org tanya2 ni membuat hati panas...!!!!)
i got a sms from my niece yesterday about a college offer...(college yg tidak pernah dengar nama nya)...and said she already got a ticket here tomorow...i almost collapse...apa ni...apasal buat keputusan macam ni...! (i know i know ini ada tidak releven....) but just want to connect with what i am facing this few days....macam mana boleh nasihat org lain bila sendiri pun goyah...!!! sendiri pun tidak dapat fikir untuk diri sendiri...???

Breath Jane...just breathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............tetiba anxiety attack!!!...

Tuhan Kau pencipta langit dan Bumi ini...! dan smua nya ada di Tangan Kau...tolonggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p/s after all this waking up stuff mo buat kerja...just to realise that agenda mesyuarat yg in the pic...is the wrong agenda that i brought home...!thank God i had some of the soft copy that i emailed to myself last friday...so boleh buat sikit2...darn you jane for this foolish mistake!!!!!!!!!

heartnote: I just need a little breather...cos every single feeling is just coming back to me after a week of numbness...a week of not feeling anything...a week of shutting down...this is reality..and reality that i can't cope...!

(ini adalah satu cerita dongeng....lepas smua ini i'll be find..and i'll promise i'll get back to doing what i do best ok..the planner...! can't wait to be my normal self...SUPERJANE...)

Can't pick myself up...

 Kinda feel life is a blur

where everything is just not clear...

it's funny as i read some of my Yahoo,FB and blog status for the past week...was picking up stuffs....slowly had a goal....had some hard task to do but was picking things up as i go...

but suddenly this few days everything just fell....

as i browse thru my collection of pics...i came upon this pic....(abaikan lah pelakon2 sampingan) when everything falls ruin like this...how is it possible for anyone to look for the pieces that fits...(ingat zigsaw puzzle kah????)....

i am in the midst of picking up work....

picking up stuffs,clearing up things...in the midst of doing that...i hear lot's of things said againts me....and everytime i think about it i always think what on earth am i doing this for...why should I...?

 the struggle to tamed poeple at work...for their own good (even if they don't realise it)

 to think that i really had the heart to give up my chances of getting APC to give to some other staff....(what stupidity you might think i have....but as i think that it's better giving to someone who thinks he or her deserved it...kadang2 ada fikir mo blajar utk ada muka tebal)

it's hard when everybody is againts everything...

and my struggle to keep my own life intact!!!

(byk benda yg tidak boleh settle)-

when i wish this year that i would to earn more money for my big family...i really wish i had it now.....

 at times i think that i really cannot go on...!

 but i know everything is well.........there are things that i myself cannot control....

i just hope....

despite the ruins and the blurness...i will soon see....

 See that everything is clear....! and everything is beautiful...

the journey must go on....

biarlah org maki..org ludah...org rejam pun....

this life must go on...

heartnote:it is You that make my life sane every second of my life....it is YOU...

a sad Good Friday

 It's a Good Friday in a different way.....

Everyday in my life i prayed that God will give me time...

time to do all things..

but now i realise it that

everything is in His hands....

we may plan...we may have our own mind...

but 

He has the last say....

This few days had been tiring...lack of sleep can make a mind wonders....

everything was done fast....

and this is wat i know....She is in a better place...

intro of my tepu:she wanted to be buried in style...and always said her grave must be extra-canteks....and guess what...her grave lot was the first lot near the main gate of the Grave yard...God is Awesome...He gives the impossible to us...so tepu..May you rest in peace...and you got what you have always wish for..a resting place that is the best of all...  

Heartnote: to live is for Christ to die is to gain...

this feelin will pass...

i know i said i was fine....

guess i just need a little time to heal...

i am stuck in this feelin...

p/s rasanya mungkin lebih sedih dari putus cinta....

Missing the ME in Me...

been having problems at work that it eating me slowly inside...

kinda drop my shield for a little while on friday...

was thinking whether i did wrong to judge hopeless people...and they deserved credit for being courages to show me i suck at being a leader..

a boss...

i smell the rebelling nerve in them on friday...the talk around that went straight to the heart...

i am still thinking of another game plan...and realise that being a leader is a lonely job...

i realise that i have to shield my heart no matter what...

and remind myself i need this job to pay everything i own and to have fun travelling...

must set the feeling..a little girl always ask me when i go visit...:" yoyo' ada mainan ini, kamu ada??"yoyo' ada buku ini, kamu ada?? yoyo' pandai buat donat kamu pandai??"

so i will get to work on monday bearing in my mind....Saya ada degree, kamu ada??? Saya ada bilik sendiri,kamu ada???saya bos kamu..kamu apa??? :P

(i know it's bad but i really think that i've been good for a long time and all has gone to vain)

this morning as i was cleaning the house...i realise that my plant..(the one i gave up hope on)...

when i bought it it was well..until slowly2 one by one the leave whitered....and i gave up on it..

but this morning i realise that there was a sign of LIFE....



I miss my Niko...

i miss being able to take pics that would make me myself cry

I miss being the person that won't be hurt by a simple word ...

i miss being the person that will do things just to make people feel good...

of all I MISS being ME

fudnote: i know that i will never know what YOU instore for me..and why i am walking alone in the desert...but i know YOU are GREAT!

p/s i just did the most stupidos thing...i browse my staffs FB rupanya aku di gelar kafir lagnat...hmmp..it's kinda sad..but God how angry i am with that statement...ajar lah aku mengampuni mereka sebab mereka tidak tau apa mereka buat...please give me strength everyday at work..!guide me..

Letting go and letting HIM

to what degree am i letting Him in ..!

to what degree am i letting go of myself and 

let Him auto pilot my life...

things will happen..and things do happened and if we put out little tots in it we will start questioning...!that is why i want to learn

Learn to let go and let Him...



Fudnote:Want to learn to TRUST 100%..Tuhan Ko kuat Ko gagah...! dan Ko hebat...and i hope i don't need to question everything ..every little details of the things You do

I heart my Family

i was reading my family emails (yes we have this thing that we update everyone about ourself-mom's side).and i don't know why but i was touched by my dad's simple email.He seldom writes and this one was simple and meaningfull.

It's good to hear that the children all like school.

Today Elizabeth was making 'chung' and Edmund was asking her
what she was making.After a bit of explaination Ed said we are
chinese that's why we celebrate chinese new year.We have not tell him
he is not 'officially' a chinese yet.Maybe a chinese at heart.


kalang

I am glad that i was raised up well...even though growing up i hated so much being in this family (must be the growing up stage)we were diffrent...we were neither Chinese nor Kelabit....we were just diffrent...we didn't speak neither language...i remember refusing to attend chinese classes...and remembering how hard to talk to my kelabit grandparents...i have a chinese face with a kelabit surname.it was hard growing up...without a real identity...but as a grew older i realize that i was special...I was unique..and

 i pray that my nephew grow up to realize he is special and is from a unique backgrown..

i already know he will grow up a handsome boy who would break lot's of girls heart...:P ...

 

this little boy who is obses with dinosaurs...and can remember all the names of the types of dinosaur...but struggle to write a simple chinese word everyday - homework from school...

miss his darling behaviour but can't stand it when he is naughty....!

FUDNOTE: God, thanks for everything You have done in my life...and thank you for taking care of my family too

the little things in life...

There are the little things in life that will make this life worth living on....this few days have kept me thinking (oh no not again) with stuffs goin on around me...with the time flying by so fast..as if i am on the fast lane and i really wanna go to the left lane at the slowest lane....but i kinda want some things to come my way fast..and some to go slow....(but what i want seems not to be what i will be given most of the time)...

when i read dy's post got me thinking...yeah people in our life really are important to keep us goin...keep us sane from this insane world....keep us humble in certain things...keep us UP when we are really down...

and somethimes keep this life worth living....

I was asked about something this week that suddently made my brains go wild and my heart go crazy....(as if i haven't been crazier) and it got me thinking....

yeah really we need people around us to keep us sane...! and keep us from doing stupidos stuff in our live...so i kinda love...love...love... my friends...!!! (bukan yg dalam gambar saja ok...yg teda dalam gambar pun love..love..love jugak...)

so at the craziest times...i look at my craziest and funniest pics..and make me breath again...make me have this excitement to go on.....

My family generates the greatness of being wanting to be something in this world..and their existance are the reason that i will carry the pride of my family...and i will honour my parents and people older then me and i will be humble dispite what ever people say..or provoke me...!my parents have thought me well...!

Most of all i really realise that my faith is important to me ..and it is more important then nothing else....and i am reminded that i have this life because of my creator...and i will go on with His will and to trade in my faith for some other is not and option...and never will be...

jadi bila persoalan: religion is a small matter...I provoke it...!! permulaan yg serius post kali ni berakhir dengan picas di bawah.....

ya mari lah ketawa bersama-sama lalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa..jadi kengkawan kasi remind lah saya kalau gwe hanyut ya...!! tapi gwe rasa gwe udah pulih dan diperbaiki :P..... i will never trade my faith...!!

(GWE SUNGGUH HAPPY kerana ada motive hidup sudah )jadi kabigans...mari lah kita mengumpul USD yang byk2 ya...!! sila lah menjadi kan lagu I want to be a millionaire so freakin bad...sebagai lagu tema hidup kita  !!

Losing Something...

Pernah kah rasa hilang something....terus rasa hidup tidak menentu??

when you lost something that is dear to you...something that is important to you....something that you feel that made your life complete...?

sampai rasa frust pun ada... rasa sedih memang la....

kadang2 boleh rasa marah juga...

kadang terus tia mo pikir...tapi bila teringat hati pun menjadi gusar balik....!tercari-cari...terpikir-pikir amacam boleh jadi macam ni....?tu lah bila dekat2 tidak juga hargai...bila sudah pergi tercari2 pulak.....

adoyai...this few days or maybe weeks hati rasa tidak besh betul....rasa tidak tenteram...rasa tidak besh hidup tanpa dia ni....terus tiba2 mo nyanyi Baby come back to me....!!!

mana sudah pigi lah dey...please come home.....!! I missing you...!!!

I AM MISSING MY MEMORY CARD...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....

sudah 2 minggu nicko duduk di bawah meja tidak bermaya sebab jantung hati dia teda.....tanpa jantung dia..dia ni mati....!! Damn...aku sudah cari2 tapi tidak ku jumpa...!!

Ahli nujum sila lah tolong kasi tilik di mana dia...??? adoyaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.................

utk pengetahuan gambar2 di posting selama ini adalah dari hp....

What Happen to the enjoyable life???

as i was driving to work this morning...i saw 2 squirrels playing on a tree...it hit me: What the Heck happen to this life....!! we use enjoy little things in our life...laugh about almost everything big and small...!! but now it's like just living the life just for the sake of living....!! (paham??)...

but come to think about it,looking at the squirrels playing..makes me so want to just goof around and just have fun for a moment...and not to take everything so seriuosly...I smiled...and i was sure my heart leap for joy for a second or two...

maybe it's just a process of growing up...no..growing older and wiser...! it's like these egg shells....it was brokened into pieces..only to be made into such fine art....!!

 i want to be broken into pieces to be a fine art....

Fudnote: Tuhan kasi lah kekuatan utk bertahan....supaya boleh menjadi bejana yg lebih canteks

it's just life....

it's just life...no matter what life just goes on day by day....

i was listening to a song this morning when i woke up...Give me Jesus...which was posted by abi in his FB....suddenly came to think about that's all one need in their life...kan? peliks kan...i seldom post about my faith in respect to everyone who reads this blog....but yeah everyone just need a pillar in their life to carry on...

but right now all i need is my Jesus.....

i am just falling and drowning in life now....it's another time again where everything is just wrong....and i am down and wanna just get out...i just can't wait when i can see everything clearly again when i can see the sunrise,sunset,rainbow and be just awed....


i know this feelin is temporary...but it's just hard right now...

p/s but i knw that God has been great....in times like this He sents angels to be with me...! togs thanks for relentlessly hearing me complainning about people at work...(i so love the time we drive round2 my office hunting for the vampire to come out hahahaha)

now glams is with me for a week...!! yeay...! !!

Therapy in need

No wonder dy said it's therapy....after a whole day of anger and fumes....last nite just before midnite we had a little project of our own....i told togou that i like a certain "kuih" and i always had this after meeting....and she said it was easy peasy to make and can make it in 30 minutes..so we went hunting for stuffs...it was 11pm most of the shops almost close...but thank God for pasar mini....!!we bought everything and rush home

mixing the stuff until  consistensy becomes like a plastersin...(ini itu org yg ajar yg kasi tau lah)

shape it...

boil it...wait till it floats..

lastly do the santan dance...!!

yeah she really proved that it could be done in 30 minutes...20 minutes to be exact...(yes we did time it)

it's jemput2 bah kan???eh bukan pulak ...onde2... i guess i like this kuih cos...everytime after a hard meeting...when my self esteem become low after all the complaining,more assignment piliing up..this certain kuih just makes me happy..when you bite in it there is a sweet gula melaka that i love...and it cools down the fumes....yeah...i felt better after eating this last nite...and it was home made...!!

hoping today will be a better day oh Lord...! 

Out of breath...

i am feelin like this mansion...just struggling to live in this world which is just catching up so fast....sometimes it really feels like gasping for breath....everything i do seems to just backfires....having problems at work (endless problems i know i know...) having problems with bills..bills...having problems with soul...!!! aduhaiiiii...tolonggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!

takpa lah weekend ini mengejar gambar2 .....


fudnote: aku tak suka ini kerja jadi bos ni....first week at it sudah ada org complain kewibawaan gwe....shaits....nyeh...

this sweet life of mine...

yeah i know i know the title of this blog sounds unreal....

today was one of those days that i really don't get what this world is to me....like everything seems so unfair,so not what i wanted...from the most complicated thing to the simplest things....maybe blame it on PMS...

(picswheretakenduringmyrecenttriptpsingaporeatthedurianbuildingthingyiforgotthename)

i remember i had the same feeling 2 weekend ago when i was down in the lion city....i had a feelin of really missing travelling and missing time spending with friends......2 weeks berturut2 without rest makes one miserable i need a breaky...but i am dry..so i really need to just endure this feelin...

oh well i am lucky compare to more then 1,111,111 people in this world definately...!so well jane..ur life wud seem to be perfect to others...others envy you...so just enjoy what you have..!k...enjoy...