Saying our goodbyes.....

As we live our life...there are bound to have goodbyes....

Today we said our goodbyes to our beloved and awesome aunty.....even though we are separated by distance with the help of gadgets we stayed together in one of the hardest time of our life...even though we are not with each other physically but our hearts were with each other and we cried together....today was a beautiful day that we celebrated the life of our dearest....

I thank the Lord that we cross each others path..and is part of each others life...the family would not be the same without you....and I pray you rest in peace....

p/s the family decided to were a pinch of colour for the funeral...and I am wearing my red marry jane too today to work....

My Heart is sadden

oh how heavy this heart is....

 

 

I know I should just carry on with life...but some how it's just sad... this feeling of heaviness...and thoughts of what if this what if that....and can't help but be helpless... have been on a 3 days break from work...and it's a good time to be with the family...the big aunty came last Monday...and I somehow realize how we as individual cope with the lost....and as we are far we are shaken...and can't help but to think about the family in Oz...we are a bit shaken because aunty was the first to go for this generation...and you can't help it but to think about it....and as her passing was so sudden ...it still seems like a dream...and I still hope that I will see her one day....I just hate the feeling of being so far and helpless....but in a way...the cuzzies have been in touch throughout this time of mourning...and I realize that we have all grown up and it is the time where we all have to protect, comfort and look after the older generation....as we discuss of things what we should do...how we should tell the older ones...I realize that we are no longer small children and some of my baby cuzzies have also grown up...the parents and aunts and uncles seems to be mum about what happened...all seems to ignore the subject...and when we do talk about it streams of tears just flow...and we sit in silence everyone wiping our tears secretly...I was chatting with one of my cousin and as we both talk and decide about things both of us just cried and cried....as we face this moment I really realize how important being with the family is...how we need to support each other...and gotta admit that there are moments that I feel stress out and just really want to run away and just ignore things....

but I know that aunty Karen was a legacy of the family...many look up to her as a cheerful lady even if she was sick and suffered she still smiled...she still can joke...the last time I was in oz I visited her and was told she was sick..but she stood up and said goodbye to me at the hall way...and then I was already wiping my tears secretly...she was a lovely lady...and I will remember her as she always tell everybody when I was a baby I always cried when I saw her...now as I hear her name I cry silently...Tomorrow is her funeral...and I really wish I was there...but all I can do is just to pray so that the family be strong and for the rest of their life they will be strong as they carry on with their life...it will be hard on uncle as she has always been his companion Soul mate....pillar of strength source of comfort...!! because she was a great lady....

 







Angry...

There are certain occasion that would make me angry with God....and today is certainly one of the day...

just came back from the a planned beach outing....we even checked the weather forcast.. it said to be a fine weather...sunny....!! we prayed for the journey and weather....and we finally arrived at the beach....and guess what it rained the heaviest rain ever seen....!! and my nephew was furious and he was angry at us...he said : you said when we prayed together that God will grant us a good weather so that we can play at the beach...!! AND why it RAINED!!!  i told him you just pray that the rain will stop and it rained because God wanted to cool down the weather....!! deep in my heart i really prayed...God please let the rain stop for this little boy....please Lord...please... How are we suppose to teach him to trust in You???..as the day got darker....and the rain did stop ....for a little while enough for the little boy to have a dip in the sea...we started a fire to bbq....and sure enough it rained...i prayed and prayed that the weather would be better and it didn't...the rain got heavier and the tide came closer....and wash off the fire...but we were just in time to cook a few things...ok never mine...like my last post we decided to make lemonade out of lemonade...we had our dinner... and off we were going home...

unpacked and making the children sleep....and i got a call from my aunty in spore...and it was a missed call only one ring...normally having a call from a family member so late at nite doesn't really sound good....i said to myself..oh crap...what again now...but then i said ok who ever it is must be old..and time is up...so i called back...and all she said was ..:i don't have the details... i am fine but aunty Karen is gone...!! My heart stop....!!i was like WHATTTTTTTTTTT.....i knw she had been sick for years...but we recently got news that she was getting better ...and we as a family always prayed for her...and my dad for certain once told me when they were in australia...he was certain after they prayed for her...she would be heal...! and now to hear about this...i didnt know what to do...i got my cousins number and all i could think was to sms....sorry to hear about mom...please take care of dad...!!!

oh crap...I am so so mad...!! i just got an email that she and my uncle had a great day today...they went to the market together this morning....and all of the sudden tonite as she was sleeping she cough up blood and was rush in the hospital and was pronounce dead....!!! WTHHHHHHHHHH.... GOD...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......and you couldn't have chose the correct day to do this...as faith had been shaken today...


but i realise that i have no one then to TRUST AND HOPE in HIM...because i may not no any other....and till the day i know all the reasons i will still try to put my utmost trust....

I seek the answers to the questions i might not even know myself....what do you say to someone who you know won't be ok in this kind of circumtances... She was the pillar to my uncle...She was the one who made him sane....She was the one who keep him strong...She was his everything...and now she is gone...

faith note: death is one thing that you can't make a mistake...once it happens there's no way of reviving it....

Wish to Chillax...

Sometimes I wish that I could just stop doing everything I am doing right now to just chill and relax....or just find a corner and just sit there to ponder....ever feel that urge to just sit out...time out??? but in real life it's not that easy...
I was on emergency leave yesterday...had a bad flu and head was spinning...back was hurting as well...so I decided to stay home...I was surprise with myself that it was a hard decision to do....!!! (I must be goin crazy)I took me hours to think whether I should stay home or just push myself to the limit and just go to work.....!! but then I realize I have to learn to love my body too...!I can go on pushing myself to the limit..even it was beyond my limit already...as I check my leave statement...this year seem to be my first time seldom take leave...I use to take long leave every 6 months and every month i'll take some days off... I will  try to find time to do that again in this last quarter of the year....must find time and the money to travel again...and get my back fix as soon as possible...( the reason of the set back of costly treatments that burn holes in my pocket...! and i just found out i can't claim)

oh well life is not as bad as it seems...i am still enjoying the family life...and it feels really good doing things for the family..this weekend families are flying over....and it feels great being able to be surrounded with family...cousins...aunties..uncles...i am taking 3 days off to be with them...so can't wait...!! and tomorrow taking the family to a beach picnic with Abi and the family....so it sure will be tones of fun...as we had a great time last weekend picnicking....! can't wait...

life note: Just live the life as it comes...loving the lemonade!!

Staying Focus...

 

Like a child focusing on something and absorbing what they see or hear...and stay focus....

staying focus on something that gives you hope....gives you relieve, give you strength....I was having a hard time focusing on life....was more to just survive the game....was almost disoriented by how life is going .. how being drifted by the waves of things around me....that gives an almost drowning feeling...maybe it's just the weak body... plus the tiredness of the brain ....which made me lost grip of what the purpose of life is...what the main focus is....not just to survive...but to live and be a witness...and to enjoy life as it comes....recently I was talking to someone that was diagnose with cancer...she just knew about it a few weeks ago...she just said " you know what... I am sick...!" then I said jokingly : What's up? flu? headache? backache?... she said .."No...it's cancer.... a moment of silent went by....I didn't know what to say...didn't know how to react....! but then she said I am ok..i am optimistic I will fight this....!! it shook me...and I was like...and all I had was a back pain and I am thinking that life has not been fair to me...

this few days I got my thinking nerve working...:P and I am thankful to have someone to turn to when things get haywire when things goes wrong...I still have someone to turn to...it might not be physical but it helps..

sometimes we may face times where we just wanna jump down the tallest building you can find....but life is not that easy to be able to end like that...but I learned that in whatever we do we put our trust in our Creator...what ever we face we have to grip on to the Savior's hand and really believe that He will provide...and sometimes His provision ways a really awesome...never thought before...this month I learn the hard way about that...never under estimate what God can do...when we think it's impossible He makes it happen....!


Food for thoughts : Believing, Knowing and Trusting is the keyword!!

Maturing as time goes by...

as I got ready for work this morning ...I got a glimpse of mum's small vege patch...the last time I look they were all dying and "malnutritious"...and I thought to myself...though luck..looks like it was not mean to be....but today I was surprise that the vegies were all grown up and ready to be harvest...

it struck to me...whenever there's a feeling of giving up when things are jut not going your way don't lose hope....and just press on...recently there are lots of issues in the office where work is just a truck load...and everyday is a tiring day....where sometimes I feel that I just need to run away somewhere....I might now understand why when you walk near big huge corporate buildings...there seems to be lots of people taking a smoke outside....sometimes you just need some time to breath...

I am stuck in the office with 2 less staffs ...one retired and one her husband just had an artery burst in the head...so I am right now juggling with everything...(enuff said about work)!!

but above all ...I am glad that I still have someone that I can lean on...and hold on too in times I feel that I am drowning....telling me that there is a Greater HOPE,FAITH and LOVE...as time goes by we mature in our thinking....in our faith...and I am not the girl that will go look for something else to drown my sorrows in anymore...we do what we must do...and just hope for the best...

Fudnote: I really need a time away from everything....!! A holiday perhaps

My Acky breaky back...

 as you may know that I am having problems with my back...I was  back in the health center on Thursday....as the back is improving...but sitting too long is still a pain in the ass...!! :P...my back and hips still hurts if I sit too long......I was back in the center for a regular checking whether the back is improved...the Dr did some adjustment here and there.....

rare time of camwhoring in the gown.....

 this is the bench...for almost more the a month I have  been laying on this....and I somehow think that I am addicted to this bench...it makes me hurt and good at the same time...the Dr crack my back in many spots....and use the activator on few spots.... I was fine after the treatment but was sore and being in pain for few days....but now it has improved.....but all is well....and I love going for treatment cos it's a day off for me.....

THank God for technology